Fasting! :) Almost ate kitkat bar, but I'm way stronger than that! I also ordered a mini elliptical. The same one as Mich. :) More details later.

126.6

Date Night! :)

So I just got home from a movie date with my boyfriend. I had a blast!

:)

Today was really great!

For Breakfast I had an apple (80) and for lunch I had soup at hand (70).

I apprehensively skipped dinner, since I knew I would be going to the movie theater and Q would bring popcorn. When we got there we also bought slushies and twizzlers which I ate because I want to please my lovely.

We saw "How Do You Know." I was looking forward to the thinspiration of Reese Witherspoon, but overall the movie wasn't that great. The storyline seemed like it was just thrown together, but the ending was cute.

Of course I purged as much of the sins as I could when I got home, but I was afraid I didn't get it all, so I also took some laxies. Speaking of laxies, how do they work? Do they actually speed the food right through you without you consuming the calories? Or do you just lose the waterweight?

Well I hope I don't consume any nasties tomorrow, but I will check-in with you guys later. :)

Stay strong!

My 60th Post.

I have 22 followers! That is so thrilling!

I've made a decision:

Today is going to be a good day food-wise. :)

(Hahaha my mom just came in my room to tell me that she's making omelettes with bacon and mushrooms and chesse and crap. haha I was like nooo thanks.)

My weight has been obstinate post-gain at 128.8 in the mornings and 131.8 at night. I am very grateful that I haven't gained more.

Today I will get back on track. No more god damn Christmas cookies, or chocolates, or any of that scat.
I will eat only raw foods today, I believe.

It will be good. :)

Post-Christmas-In the time of Chimpanzees, I was a Monkey.

Alright, guys. I've been putting off posting because I've been a complete pig (as usual).

It's very gross..But I feel like I can't help it, because I can't not eat around Q.
It's Catch 22. :/

I just have to learn to live with myself, though, right?


Well, the holiday season has been lovely in all aspects besides the food.

For Christmas I recieved:
-The Laptop from which I am typing.
-A picture painted by my love with a poem to go with it. :)
-A dress and a scarf also from my darling
-leg warmers and a thesauras from mom ( I asked specifically for each of them :)
-a pair of pjs from my brother and sister-in-law
-knee-high socks from my sister and brother-in-law
-and a purse, floral tights, and a rhinocerous toy from my bff, L.

:)

Also, I'm going to AZ to visit my Bro and Sis-In-Law (The same ones who got me pjs) on Jan. 12, so I will be missing winter formal. :/ But in an attempt to express my apologies and love to Q, I threw us a special version of winter formal today. :) It was so cute! I decorated the house with snowflakes, streamers, and garland, and turned up the music loud and we danced. :)

Speaking of that here's a picture of my dress:

That's not me, though. haha

Alright guys, let's answer some questions:

What's your favorite color? Purple, for me.
Top Three Music Artists atm: Hmm...Mumford and Sons, Norah Jones, and...um...The Kings of Leon.
Least favorite music artist:probably lady antebellum. :/
Favorite thinspo picture atm (post a link):




Stay strong!

Merry Christmas, Bloggers!

I hope your holidays are swell and all is well!

The New Year is coming, so don't fret if those gingerbread men have gotten the best of you. We have new motivation coming soon. :)

I'm feeling rather euphoric. Yesterday was a good day, non-food wise. It was bad food-wise and I have a feeling today will be bad too. But I cleaned the whole house and opened a few gifts and it was nice.

I'm so looking forward to this Christmas Break!

:)

Stay strong, think thin, be happy.

-Sara

Querer es Poder.

Today, after my boyfriend left, I went into the kitchen ready to start my evening binge. I was looking through the cupboards and the pantry and I decided on crackers and cream cheese. I picked up the crackers but as I opened the fridge door, I told myself something. I said,"You have the power to not do this."

And I do!

I will make good use of it.

I bought a dress today. Quanah was in the fitting room with meas I was trying it on and it was almost too small. Difficult to zip, but we got it. This gives me a new goal! I want it to be loose by the formal dance, January15. I want to have to tie it extra tight so it doesn't fall down. :) I'll post pictures later..

"You're going to catch a cold from the ice inside your soul."

I hate winter. I want a treadmill.

I hope you guys are doing great! Christmas is so soon!

I'm sick and weak and I hate it, but I only have one more day of school left! Yay, for the increased opportunity of skipping meals!

I'm sorry, I'm a failure. Today definitely wasn't <500 calories. I'll start tomorrow.
You see, I have a bad habit of just saying "fuck it!" and eating that fucking piece of chocolate or bite of shit pizza. And it all goes downhill from there. Why?

Because I'm fat and disgusting and weak.
This has been a really awful week for me food-wise hasn't it?

I truly hope you guys don't think I'm always like this.
It's just that winter has set in and my seasonal depression is setting up camp with it.Yuck.
Tomorrow= a new start! (and I know I've said that far too many times)

Oh, God that is wretched.

I am so sorry. To myself mostly.

I need to look at some thinspo...I know! I'll make a new thinspo journal! That'll cheer me up. :)
And I'll play my guitar and sing Christmas songs... :)


Jacqueline- Thanks! You must have good taste in music.haha Did you know that I'm planning on naming one of my future kids Jacqueline?

Alright, guys, I'm making a list of reasons to be thin! And ideas?

500 calories- clementine(30), sf jello(10), oatmeal(120), popcorn(50), clementine(30), soup(60), fruit(50), candy canes(50)....+cookies (purged/laxies)

Just for tonight...

Oh you guys, you must understand..

I want this soooo BAD!

But (there are always buts) I am not keeping the right mindset..

I went to church this morning, but don't get me wrong. I am not a religious person, I went to sacrifice my time with my boyfriend. I wouldn't want him to suffer through that alone.His family is Mormon..(.I truly don't mean to offend any of you..I'm just stating my opinion.)

Well anyway I just had to pick a Sunday to go that WASN'T a fasting day for the church (Every first Sunday of the month they have a fast Sunday)...Ugh. There was lots of candy and Christmas cookies.

But of course I told myself not to worry..Today will just be a "normal" consumption day. I'll try to be sane like everyone else..Does that ever work? Oh and tofit this into my plan, as t not make it seem like a binge day, I told myself that from now on every Sunday will be a "normal" eating day.  haha normal my ass!
But seriously, this HAS to STOP!

I am so sorry...I am not an inspiration at all.

I need a plan..
I've got it!

ABC!

Alright I make a page for the limits of each day,just in case you guys wanna join. :)

Skinny body, here I come. :)

Love,
S

Renewal.

I need rejuvenation.

This past week has been way too sloppy. So today I cleaned my room, did some yoga, and restricted acceptably. I find that I am way too envious of other people, and I need more confidence. I believe this yet-to-find thinness will bring me closer to that radiant, confident, love-by-everyone person I've always wanted to become.

Do you guys have any people you know, that you are especially jealous of?

For me it''s this girl who I met at Q's church. She's outgoing, friendly, pretty, and popular. The perfect barbie. The worst part is that Q's family is in love with her family. The second worst part is that her name is Sara, as well, and she's my age. I can't help but wonder what Q thinks of her...although he insists I not feel threatened.
I guess when I'm thin I'll have a leg up on her. (She's average.)

:)

Weight:128
Intake:
-Green Tea
-Diet Sierra mist
-Clementine(30)
-Cherry tomatoes(50)
-Monster Java Vanilla Light (100)
-Frozen Fruit(70)

=250

Stay strong! Christmas is coming!

P.S.
Thanks Miss Alisha and All.That.Wander

Think thin, lovelies!

Drink up baby Look at the stars I'll kiss you again Between the bars

-Orange juice, orange juice, orange juice (I'm sick)
-Raspberries
-Strawberries
-Sweet potatoes
-Oatmeal

: /

Here's some Winter/Christmas thinspo for you ladies!

Miss Alisha: I know! They are so good!!
Claudia: Yes, we just HAVE to stop binging!

:)

Stay strong!

Christmas Countdown 2010 - Find out how many days until Christmas 2010

Christmas Countdown 2010 - Find out how many days until Christmas 2010

"The neighbors said she moved away Funny how it rained all day I didn't think much of it then But it's starting to all make sense.."

Today was so gross,just like yesterday! You'd think I'd get smart! (funny movie, by the way)

I HATE the feeling after a binge. I HATE feeling bloated and stuffed and nasty! Yuck!

Thank you campaign for thin for the water advice. :)

You see this should really help me because the guilt and regret doesn't hit me until after I'm bursting at the seams of my belly, I just need to stop and think about what I'm doing, then chug water.

I weighed myself....129.
fuck.

That was with clothes and crap but still. Ew.



Don't worry don't worry...This isn't another self-loathing post. :)
On a brighter note, I'm devising a plan. I figure that most of my binge foods are dairy and meat and other grossies, so I'm descending gradually into veganism.

I haven't done thorough research, but it seems like a good idea. I don't need those nasty toxins in my body, and those animals don't need to be treated so cruelly.  (Did I mention I love animals?) I've never really liked red meat or cheese anyway, my weakness might be the yogurt and milk. But it's all good.

So tomorrow will be a trial day. :)

Any info or tips on being a vegan? Opinions?

Feast with your eyes, lovelies:

DIS-GUST-ING!

Today was perfect until about dinner time...

I was dissecting a turkey and provolone sandwich, so I felt really gross even just eating a little. So, of course, I purged it. My boyfriend, being his loving self( me being stupid and ungrateful) got mad at me. As pervasive as I am, I let that stupid half-a-sandwich or whatever ruin my whole freaking night!

After this little episode, we went to the grocery store and then when I was waiting for the cab home I ate one whole fucking roll-thing calorie/sugar infested, and then like 4 handfuls of fecking gummy bears (I happened to by a HUGE bag in my depression).

As if all of this isn't awful enough, my boyfriend left me with the rightful words, "Don't do anything you wouldn't want me to do.." So, I didn't. (Well except for writing this, I guess, but I see it as self-help not self-destruction.)
At home I ate like 3 quarters of a subway sandwich, and lots of chocolate. I can't purge. My boyfriend is going t start if I keep going. I love him too much. He can also tell when I'm lying by my"lying face." haha

I did take some laxatives, but I don't know if they will cure me. :/

I feel horrible.

This morning I weighed in at 122. :)

Now I'm 126. :(

Ew. Nasty.

I'm sorry for the self-disgustion.

I hope you guys are staying stronger than I am!

Can you tell me how you guys fight off binges and/or stop in the middle of them?

Today's weight: 123.0

Intake:
Breakfast: 1 cup frozen blueberries (70), 1 piece light toast w/ I Can't Believe it's Not Butter spray(45), women's vitamin pack (15), (which includes cranberry, fish oil, vitamin D3, calcium, and a multivitamin) =130

Oh god, I might throw up from the iron...Stupid anemia.

Lunch: half a grapefruit (50), yogurt (70), apple (50)(purged :/)

I will probably have low sugar oatmeal for dinner (110)
Or light soup (70ish)
Today's limit will be 400 I think

"It was the height I grew, the weight, The shell was crushing you, I've been around a few."

At the moment, I am babysitting. :/ They have pizza,cookies, dr. Pepper, oranges, and chips. Guess what I'm indulging in!

Diet Sierra Mist. :)


Today's total intake:
-Cran-Energy juice (50)
-sugarfree jello (10)
-Half of an Activia light yogurt(35)
-Half of a smallish apple (35)
-tea, water, diet soda

Total: 130

Output:
-running on the stairs (-10)
-120 crunches (-120)
(is it true that you burn one calorie per crunch,or has my wishful thinking gotten out of hand?)

Net total: 0! (I think)






-S.

"Pastel white features, high cheekbones, scarlet blooded lips and deathly tones."

Yes,I'm slipping back into my old habits.
My current weight is 124.8...:/

Today I've taken 2 apple cider vinegar tablets, vitamin B12 (for metabolism), and 50 calories of cran-energy juice. If I have to eat something today it'll be an apple or a yogurt.

I can't wait to be delicate and gorgeous! :)

You guys should read Portia de Rossi's "Unbearable Lightness."

:)

Think thin!

Love,
S

My Dear Quanah,

I know you are stressed out right now, and all I want do is help. I hope that you approve and maybe even admire this blog. It would kill me to let you down again. I'm just trying to help.

This writing is of a healthy manner, right?

Earlier tonight, on the phone, you promised me you wouldn't hurt yourself when we hung up. I hope you kept that promise. I hope those weren't just words to you. I understand that I have disappointed you in the past, and I apologize, but please don't use that as an excuse to let yourself down. I love you with all of my being.

You are my world- don't destroy yourself.



Truly yours,
Sara Kay

"When flowers gaze at you, they're not the only ones who cry when they see you."

Oh, have mercy.....

I am a sinner. My love would not approve of me undeleting this blog, but I sincerely wish to make a compromise with him...I would rather keep quiet than to hurt him.

But everything is chaotic and I need to express myself through this writing. I hope he understands.

This morning, upon waking, I turned my head and laid my eyes upon the most gorgeous creature ever.
The Angel breathed softly in sweet slumber as I made my morning routine.His eyes opened and his lips parted in smile as I crawled under the covers with him. I pray that we can wake up with each other from now on. I pray that he becomes stranded at my house more often.

I love you, Q.
I'm not letting the world in, but instead letting myself out, under limitations.
I hope that you do not see this as a means by which I am keeping you out though..You are free to read this. I won't hide it from you. I will even set it as private.
I pray for your patience and understanding.



With sincerity,
S.

200!

It's Day1 of 2468 and I am pretty dang excited!

Thanks for the reassuring comments about my arm. haha You guys are too nice.
:)

My plan for today is probably just to have an orange (70) and a diet soda for lunch, and maybe an apple (130) for dinner. Otherwise, if I have to eat a "real" dinner, I'll just eat tiny amounts.

Water, water, water is my savior!

Stay strong, ladies..


Love,
Sara

2468- New Beginnings!

I just weighed in at 130.2. Yuck! I gained. :(

I've decided to start the 2-4-6-8 diet tomorrow, Monday, November 8 2010. :)
Wish me luck. I'll be going until the following Monday, and maybe longer if I haven't reached 125 by then.
Also, I will exercise for at least 30 minutes everyday while I'm on the diet, and take these Green Tea Diet pills that I bought.


:)

"I take a breath and pull the air in 'til there's nothing left.. I'm feeling green like teenage lovers between the sheets"

You know that whole thing about not blogging anymore?
Well, I've just got too much to say, and writing in a journal just doesn't seem as convenient. hah

I'm making a list of foods that I can never eat again and erasing them from my intake one by one. I'll post it on the sidebar.

I don't want to lose this escape- my eating "habits" I mean. I feel as if they're the only thing that is truly mine. I would say that about my Love but I can't seem to stop him from leaving cuts in his delicate flesh. And guess what! He's already underweight (like super skinny; his BMI is 16) to begin with,but now he's been losing weight and watching his intake too! Not only do I want him to stop this insanity and eat healthily and be well, but somehow I feel possessive about this eating disorder. I feel like it's mine and I don't want him to take it from me. I know that's horrible, but that's how I feel. :/

God, I love him. Whenever I mention how fat, or ugly, or disgusting I am he denies it full-heartedly. Could he really, truly believe that I am beautiful? I'm not even thin, though!!

I want to try a new diet. I need some structure and planning, instead of just waking up and deciding as I go.

Look where that got me:

Do you see my arm???? Ew!! It should be a thigh..hah




My Love looks hot in an old-man-sort-of-way. hahaha

Oh and, Quanah, if you read this, I love you. :)



P.S

My intake:
-Special K cereal w/ 2% milk (200)
-Banana (100)
-Yogurt (100)
-Orange (70)

Total: 470

Also,
Dear helesaurus,

Yeah, I guess I do have a lot to sort out, but I'll manage. :)
Thanks for your concern. :)

I enjoy the fashion employed in this video...

"Hey, open wide, here comes original sin.."

I don't know what to say. My bf found my blog and now he's hurt because he thinks that I'd rather talk to the rest of the world than him. I love him too much to keep blogging regularly for now. I'll still check in every once in a while, but I'll focus more on writing in my journal and communicating with my love. I still want to get thin soooooo badly. :/




Love, Sara..

600

Today's intake:
Breakfast:
-yogurt (100)

Lunch:
-Salad (30)
-Orange (70)

Dinner:
-Blueberries (100)
-Special K cereal (170)
-banana(100)
Drink:
-Crystal Light (30)

Love grows a fear Suites your taste of bitter ends But this stake that holds you in Leaves no place to begin

Today, I skipped breakfast and lunch, but had a hamburger and juice (Yuck, I know) for dinner since I couldn't really avoid it because I was at my boyfriend's house. Also, when I got home I had a lollipop. I'm not exactly sure what my caloric intake was, but I really hope it was below 1,200 (my new maximum limit).

When everything is messy, this is my safe place.

Happy Halloween

Well...things are moving. The days slip in and out. It is Halloween- did you guys eat any candy?

I sure did. I've eaten way too fucking much these past few days. Hell, I've eaten way too fucking much these past few years. I'm disgusting.




But I'll make up for it soon. How about tomorrow? :)

Stay strong and beautiful!

I'm such a failure. Nothing is going as planned, and I'm fat. Yuck.


:(

"You moved like honey in my dream last night..Yeah, some old fires were burning..You came near to me and you endeared to me..But you couldn't quite discern me."

Last night didn't go as planned. I ate way too much and I didn't even lose anything, so I broke the rules big time.
I've already eaten too much this morning, so I think I'm going to try to eat like "normal" for once, since I might be hanging out with this girl who doesn't know me very well. Also, my bf heard me throwing up in the bathroom, so that made him upset. :(

It's our 8 month anniversary today. I baked him cookies. :)
I'm a bad girlfriend.

I think the real reason I'm going to try and eat normal today is because he said if I don't stop, he's going to start.
And that scares me.  :/

"There's just no mercy in your eyes.. There ain't no time to set things right.. And I'm afraid I've lost the fight.."

I weighed in at 124.6 this morning so for breakfast and lunch I'm allowing myself to have two 50-calorie apples. :)

Chew and Spit.

 I was planning on fasting today, but I weighed in at 126.2, so I think I will reward myself with a 100 calorie yogurt. I think that's how it'll go during this fast. I can only eat when I've reached one of my goals, and it has to be under 100 calories. I can go back to normal restricting after I've fainted. :)

"We all have to find our own ways to say good-bye." — Sherman Alexie

I'm sorry for my self-pity posts. :/

Q (my bf) almost killed himself last night. I saw the cuts today. 36 of them run down his right leg. He carved the word "FOREVER" on his left thigh. That's a weird thing we do. Scratch words into our bodies. My right hip says "STARVE" and my left wrist says "TRASH." He said that he passed out. He thought he was dying.

This terrifies me, it fills me with fear. I need to empty myself of that fear.
Come morning, I'm going to fast until I faint. Until I think I'm dying.

Well, I suppose I should get back to my studies.

"And I'm afraid I've lost the fight. I'm just a painful reminder, Another day you leave behind.."

Helpless is what I am. Helpless, hopeless, worthless.

I had a dream the other night. In it, there was a girl. She was naked and walking around a room picking clothes up from the floor. Her hair,shiny, was pulled back in a messy updo. She was beautiful, in an eerie way, with sharp bones jutting out from her skin, and a fragile look about her. That girl was me.

Obviously not me at the moment though. Right now pads of grotesque fat cover my stomach, my thighs, my arms. I weighed in 128.4 today. Yuck.

I know it shouldn't be thinking like this. I know that I'm selfish and cruel to the people around me. I know my self-degradation is unfair to the ones who love me.

But I'm helpless, remember?

And I think they're even starting to realize it.

Home.

I just got back from a 4 day long backpacking trip with school. My school is a charter school, so we have these outdoor trips all the time.

It went well, I suppose. :) The food consisted of oatmeal, tortillas, summer sausage, cheese, PB and J, ramen noodles, instant potatoes, and granola bars. :/ I couldn't starve or purge and I could barely even poop. haha. My bf and I got in a couple of spats, but those were mainly due to my jealousy and insecurity. Apparently,I'm not that easy to talk to. :( Also,I'm sort of an extrovert, I feel like I can't really connect with people, unless I'm really close to them, unlike my bf who can make everyone and anyone laugh. Apparently, when I do talk topeople, I'm being "trashy" or childish." I just want to be the girl that everyone loves...and that doesn't seem to be working. Once I'm thinner though,I won't need to be jealous and insecure. It'll be perfect. Right?

I'm pretty sore because we hiked like 10 miles a day, except today we only did 5. I'm excited to be able to eat "normally" and sleep warmly and fast and purge and restrict, but I love the serene feeling of being deep in the woods, in thought, in depth with myself and that world. I miss it. I miss the sounds and the smells and the sights. And it'snot like I live in a big metropolis city or anything, but it's not even close to being a part of nature. I would never wake up to that squirrel outside of my room or see that porcupine climbing the tree in my front lawn.

Well, I'm going to take my first shower in days. :)
Hopefully, I can just relax.

I'm breaking my fast a little early. I suppose I am weak, but I will be fasting  soon. :)

"She wore that dress like it was a Saturday. Pretty as a summer rose, picked in the morning.."

It's Day 2 of fast, and I feel great!
I packed a lunch so my mother doesn't get suspicious, but I will just give it away.
I'm going to a cross-country meet today although I won't be racing,I'll still burn some calories warming up with the team and such.

I'll blog more soon! :)

It's getting tricky, but I'm still fasting unfailingly. :)
I like how easy it is for me to just not eat.
I'm cleansing myself.

"Don't you tell me to deny it. I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins..:"

I'm not eating today or tomorrow. :)

I need to redeem myself. Yesterday was gross, except for when I went running. I think I'm going to get back into that.

Q cut himself again. He didn't want to show me. You know how great of a girlfriend that shows I am? He should be able to talk to me about anything..but then again, here I am, blogging my eating habits..

I'm suffering for my sins.

Yesterday was my first fast. :)

I'm getting stronger.

10/10/10

Now all your love is wasted? Then who the hell was I? Now I'm breaking at the britches And at the end of all your lines

This weekend was horrible. I've eaten way too much. Even this morning I had an egg McMuffin and a pie thing and a mocha. :((( I threw up some of it though. I have to be strong from now on. I can't make anymore excuses!  It's 10/10/10 and I'm starting up again.

"I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control."

I'm at school right now. It's 3rd period, the period before lunch. All I've eaten is a couple of slices of apples and that's what I'll have for lunch, along with carrots.  :)

Quanah's coming over after school, so I need to conceal the fact that I'm eating like a bird. I will eat like a skinny person. Hunger is becoming my friend. I like it. :)

So softly, rain against the windows..and the strong coffee, warming up my fingers."

I'm getting better. :)
After that period of eating "healthily" and "normally" I gained 10 pounds. It was only for like a week!
Yesterday I ate around 700 calories, and today so far I've consumed about 400. I know I should be doing better, but it's a start. :)

I'm also doing well at disguising it. I make sure that my lunches are under 100 calories, although they don't seem like it. Yesterday I had an apple and it was pretty big, and today I had soup and carrots. Also, yesterday, pretty much all I ate I ate when I was when I was with him.  I don't want to hurt him.

I want to be his tiny dancer. :)

Establishing the basics..

Who am I?

• I'm a girl who likes to be goofy. 
• I want a ukulele for my birthday (which happens to be in less than a day)
• A girl who loves to feel pretty. 
• A girl who can be seen practically always in a dress, but who enjoys wearing anything quirky. 
• A girl who breathes music. Every type of music. Except for country or rap. haha My "it" artists at the very moment: Fiona Apple, Bright Eyes, and Eddie Vedder. Also, I'm listening to "Jane Doe" by Nevershotnever right now. And one could never go wrong with Dashboard Confessional.
• I think I really enjoy writing. 
• I love fresh air, sunshine, and wide,open fields. 
• I'm a girl who spends too much time crammed up inside. It's not good for me in there.

•  I have moments where I'm sad because I'm sad for no apparent reason because I should be happy with my life when everything is going well. 
• Sometimes I feel ugly, stupid, mean, and fat. 
• And sometimes I act ugly, stupid, mean, and fat. I do not like that part of me. 

• I suppose that I've been through a lot of sucky things, but I refuse to dwell on them.
• I have a cat named Thomas, who I call unpleasant names even though I don't really mean it 
• My favorite person is definitely my boyfriend, my one and only true love. We are finding our way through this maze together, and I know I couldn't make it out on my own. He tells me I'm beautiful. 
• Sometimes I do feel beautiful. I do feel like a true artist, a real musician. I feel like my voice will carry. Like I will be heard and appreciated. I feel like a model for the world. I sometimes even feel thin. I would never admit these feelings out loud though, so don't hold me to them.
•  I enjoy attending school and learning and gaining knowledge. 
• I yearn for a sense of uniqueness. I like to feel special and loved and I like attention. Even so, I hate to feel selfish and greedy.

• I'm a hopeless romantic who finds passion in sillyness. My idea of a wonderful date is playing Mad Gab in a coffee house.
• I see the world not as a place where I should spend my time figuring out its deepest meanings and intentions should be unearthed, but as a place of opportunity. I should not waste this time given to me. I should go on an adventure everyday that my heart still beats.
•  I love to find treasures. 
• I need to learn to stop and smell the flowers, to just live for the freaking moment. 
• I go through my stages of depression. This ed stage is a side-effect.  
•  But I do long to be thin and beautiful and light and small and overall just a girl that everyone loves. Will I ever be that girl? I don't know. 
• I do know something though. My greatest fear is being alone, without my love. And it hurts him when I'm depressed. And it hurts him when I hurt myself. And I don't want to hurt him, I want to make him happy.
•  I'm a girl who needs balance.
  I am also a girl who usually doesn't stay up this late.
  Good night, world.
  
  Love,
  Sara 

So, I haven't been restricting these past couple days and I feel like shit because of it. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend by not eating enough though. He worries about me too much. Maybe I'll just do my best to conceal it.

"Well I've seen the battle and I've seen the war; and the life I have here is the life I've been sold.."

It's back to ana for me. :)

Today's calories:
Breakfeast: haha
-Danimals yogurt smoothie (70)

Lunch/Midday snacks:
-carrots (30)
-apple (100)
-100 calorie fudge petites (100)

Dinner:
under 200

"Looks are deceiving, making me believe it, and these tiresome paper dreams.. Paper dreams, honey"

Tomorrow is fast day. :) Wish me luck! There's so much crap going on right now, I really need this fast.


My boyfriend knows me too well. I can't really avoid eating around him, and I hate lying to him, but I'll try. I mean, come on, he'll like me better anyway when I'm skinnier! I love him though, and I don't want him t find out I'm fasting, and I really don't want to hurt him. He's going through a tough time right now..

I need to improve my acting skills though. I need to act happier so people like me more. I don't want to be the stick in the mud. :/

I really enjoy school, although that may be because I only have one challenging class. haha

Well, I'll update you guys later.

Here's some beautiful thinspiration: