No one.

I'm alone.

I deserve it.

I've pushed everyone away. I'm not sure how, but I've done it. It used to be that I always had someone to run to, someone I could depend on for company. But now I'm alone. It seems everybody I once had, has somebody else that they rely on more. There's no need for me. I am unwanted. I am forgotten.

My boyfriend, whom I'm not even sure if I can call him that anymore, is getting fed up with my "drama." We don't see each other very often because I'm no fun to be around.  He's moving soon and I'm sure he will forget me completely, if he hasn't already. He's excited to move on with his life.

My best friend since childhood, L,  was submitted to inpatient treatment on Wednesday for self-injury and I found out yesterday through a message on facebook from her Mom. L was supposed to call me today but she hasn't. I guess I shouldn't feel hurt that she hasn't contacted me because I've sort of been a bitch to her since I've been wrapped up in my own problems. I guess for some strange fucking reason, I was stupid and selfish  enough to think that my problems were more serious...or at least I gave off that vibe, which made her not want to talk to me. Fuck, I regret so many things.

These people in my life that I thought I had a special connection with are replacing me. My boyfriend spends more time with his family than with me. And he's so focused on leaving. L has acquired a new best friend, whom she not only talked to more about these things, but who has already visited her in treatment. Even my own mother has replaced me....well not so much replaced me but I focused on the well being of my 30 year old sister over my well being. My sister is pregnant. I hate living here. I want to move. Mother refuses because she doesn't want to leave sister.

Typing all of this out makes me hate myself even more since I sound like such a selfish bitch.

My point is I have no one. On top of that I've been skipping school, and have no motivation to go anywhere in life Could I even o anywhere if I tried? I've lost everyone...because I'm an inconsiderate, fat, self-absorbed sob? Or because I just don't matter? Perhaps both.

But, in a way, this is a good thing. This means that no one will miss me too much. My options are narrowing.

Will this be the end for me?

Hiding.

Hello there, beauties...

I've been hiding from you.I've been avoiding posting because I'm a fat failure. I failed at my diet plan. I guess it's too much, too healthy. I'd rather just restrict and eat as little as possible until this fat is gone.Maybe until I'm dead. To be honest, I don't see the point in trying so hard in life. Nobody likes me anyway, not even myself. I'm stuck.. 

Oh well, I guess I'll just go along for the adventure.

"Fasting cleanses the soul, raises the mind... Enter again into yourself."--Saint Augustine

Hello there, wanderers...

Today is my fasting day. I really need this to motivate me. If I can go without, I can certainly live on less. I want to be a minimalist when it comes towards food.  I'm tired of being such a slob. I know I can do this.

I hope you all are well.

-S

update:
it's only like 3 p.m. and I already gave in...I ate some mango and green pepper...There goes my fast. I'll try not to be too discouraged and angry at myself though because there's still progress to be made, right? It was only 100 calories..

Guys I have to make a decision. Either I can keep living my life like the ugly fatty I'm becoming or I can be productive and make something of myself. Today is my last day of junk food. I've gained 10 fucking pounds. I'm at my highest weight ever. Oh god its so fucking disgusting. I am such a slob. So tonight I will let myself eat whatever because, starting tomorrow, I will not put anymore shit into my body. Seriously. I NEED TO TEACH MYSELF SELF-CONTROL. Tomorrow and, if I'm still holding strong, Monday I will water fast...I know, I know fasting is bad...but I need to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can stop being such a fat ass. Starting Tuesday (when my classes start up again) my meal plan will be as follows:
-Fruit and juice smoothie in the morning
-Salad with lots of veggies and low calorie dressing during the day
-Fruit in between meals
-if I'm hungry at night I will eat something like steamed vegetables or plain oatmeal, but I will never eat after 7
-My beverages are limited to water, plain coffee, and maybe some 100% juice every once in a while

My absolute off-limits foods are:
-Cheese..god, it's sooooo fattening.
-Meat of any kind
-Potato chips and fatty crackers
-Chocolate and gummy candy
-Baked goods such as cookies or little Debbies..
- bread

Guys I know this probably sounds like a shitload of food to all of you, and my off limits foods are foods that toy probably never dream of eating but trust me, its much healthier/ less abundant than the "food" I've been eating and I know that if I don't offer myself some room then I will eventually go crazy and binge.

Wish me luck, beauties.

"This town's alone and therefore, I see no end in sight."

Hey lovelies! Sorry I'm not posting so frequently. I have, however, been posting almost daily at Vitamin S † so check it out if you get the chance..I see that some of you are already following it, so thank you. :)

I'm trying to focus on purging these bad habits rather than my food. I've been eating more fruits and vegetables and haven't been bingeing...however I do still eat junk on a regular basis. :( I've definitely gained weight since I've lessened my purging, so that makes me uneasy, but I feel like eventually I'll be able to cut out all of those processed junk foods completely, or to the point of only having them like once a week or something. Wow that sentence should get an award for being such a run-on ...But yes...my ideal meal plan would consist mostly of fruits and veggies, with slight amounts of legumes and maybe fish for protein...Actually, I'm thinking of becoming vegan again, so no fish, and I'm not really sure why I stopped. Hmmm. I guess it just got too difficult.People gave me a TON of shit for it...which I know, is no reason not to pursue something...but my social anxiety sort of got the best of me. And to be honest, I was craving things like yogurt..haha. Actually, after I stopped my eating disorder kicked in again right away.The guilt from eating animals and their products (and enjoying the tastes) piled on top of the guilt from eating FAT was too much too handle, I suppose.So I went overboard..

But anyway, I guess I'll be done rambling away now and I'll go clean my living quarters.
I hopes you all are doing well!
Stay Strong, beauties!

Love,
S.

I just purged in the shower for the first (and I hope the last) time. :( How disgusting is that?? What am I becoming?

Happy New Year!

Hello everybody! How are you all doing? I'm going to try to make this post less moody than my usual ones...haha, wish me luck...

So, it's the new year! Is everyone motivated to make a change?

My resolution is not set yet because, to be honest, I'm torn as to what I should change. I know for sure I need to stop bingeing and purging..Ah, that will be it. But I'm afraid if I say "no purging" it will just turn into plain bingeing. I will not let that happen though. I think I will try to work out more as well. I want a gym membership so badly but I'm broke...

Honesty, I just wish I was one of those people who stay super skinny no matter what due to their lightning fast metabolisms. I was at a party last night and all of the girls there were like that and I wanted to cry because I felt guilty for eating so much and I knew that it would show up on the scale for me. And this girl there was talking about how she lost 3 pounds over winter break without even trying and I was so jealous. Oddly enough though, she told us her weight and she weighs around the same as me....but I think her scale must be broken or something..because I look like 47283974 pounds heavier than her...or she's just all muscle....

Anyway...how was all of your New Years Eves? What are your resolutions?

Stay strong. :)