Monday, August 30, 2010

"They say it fades if you let it.."

Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been keeping myself motivated with texting buddies. :)
I've got some bad news. My boyfriend found out and I promised him I would get better. I mean, I love him and I want to give him what he deserves (which in my opinion is a thinner, more beautiful me).  I don't want to hurt him, but at the same time I don't want to get better. :/








I AM...
[possibly] anorexic
[] ednos
[possibly] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE...
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me
[ ] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH...
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE...
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE...
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4. I am 5"4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes
[x] I have many scars
[x] I tan easily
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I had braces
[x] I wear glasses
[ ] I wear contacts
[] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[ ] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[ ] I have freckles

FAMILY...
[x] I've sworn at my parents
[] I've run away from home
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house
[] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[x] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've had children
[ ] I've lost a child

EMBARRASSMENT...,
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
[x] Disney movies still make me cry
[x] I've peed from laughing
[x] I've snorted while laughing
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
[] I've had my trousers rip in public

RELATIONSHIPS...
[] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged
[ ] I'm married
[ ] I've gone on a blind date
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
[x] I miss someone right now
[x] I have a fear of abandonment
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
[] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
[ ] I've kept something from a past relationship

SEXUALITY...
[] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[] I've had a crush on a teacher
[x] I am a cuddler
[x] I've been kissed in the rain
[x] I've hugged a stranger
[ ] I have kissed a stranger

HONESTY...
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
[]I've snuck out of my house
[] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[] I am keeping a secret from the world
[] I've cheated while playing a game
[] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've been suspended from school

BAD TIMES...
[] I've consumed alcohol
[] I drink regularly
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset
[x] I take anti-depressants
[possibly] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose
[x] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm
[x] I've woken up crying
[] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ ] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[ ] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I've fainted from exhaustion

I'VE DONE...
[] Weed
[] Cigarettes
[] Alcohol
[] Diet pills
[ ] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine

<>OTHER QUESTIONS
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have an ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[x] I want to be this way
[ ] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority sometimes
[x] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[ ] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself

Friday, August 20, 2010

"Ice-age heat wave, can't complain. If the world's at large, why should I remain? Walked away to another plan. Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand."

I've got a pro-ana texting buddy now so I probably won't feel the need to blog as much.
I was planning on fasting today, but I'm eating some blueberries...

Thursday, August 19, 2010

"The words are hushed lets not get busted; just lay entwined here, undiscovered."

I feel ashamed. I feel like a damn wannarexic. I am so fat and pig-like. Part of me wants food all the time, and the other part loathes it. It makes me fat. I need to be strong. NO MORE FOOD TODAY!!!

Today, instead of starving, I stupidly ate:
-Mandarin oranges (40)
-Banana (80)
-apple (50)
-Danimals smoothie (70)
-Cereal (<400)
-ice crea sandwich :(160)
-mostly fat free popcorn (240)
=<1040

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

"This is fact not fiction for the first time in years. All the girls in every girlie magazine can't make me feel any less alone..."

I've been eating. Enough said.

:(

I feel empty and alone, and not in a good way.

I will start again tomorrow. No food. Only water. I deserve it.


Here are some pictures of skinny people, whom, if I keep going on like I did today and yesterday, I will never look like:





"I would go out tonight, but I haven't got a stitch to wear. This man said 'It's gruesome that someone so handsome should care'."

Yesterday I acted horribly. I ate too much to even mention. God, I am obese! I'm not sure how today will go because I am going out to lunch probably with a friend. Nevertheless, I hope I have a good time..

I miss him so much..It's unbearable. I can't wait to cuddle with him again. To kiss him. Hard. But I want to be skinny when I do it. What weight can I lose in 5 days? Well, we'll see..But I just need to see some results!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

"Such a paradox, isn't it? Isn't it?"

Today, I'm going to eat under 500 calories, and it's all in solid food. No juice or soy milk or sparkling water.
For breakfast I will have a nectarine (~70). I don't think I'll have lunch but when I get home from work at around 2:30 I will have....(Oh my God, this nectarine is delicious)....a big carrot (30), apple sauce ( 60), a rice cake (70), some berries (40) and maybe some special K cereal with 1% milk (230). Holy crap, that sounds like a lot! I'm not sure how I feel about eating all of those calories..Well, I hope today goes well for me and for anyone who might come across my blog. :)


Well, instead of my earlier after work meal plan I'll be consuming this for my afternoon meal:
A graham cracker (65), apple sauce (60), frozen berries (25) so then my total would be about 195 calories. I think I'll lower my daily calories to under 350. :)

Cheese stick (80)
Rice cake (70)

Alright, after my post work binge I am done eating for the day.

I'm reading the book Wintergirls and I like it a lot so far...



Shit. There's a fucking toaster strudel waiting for me and my fucking mouth is watering...I know I'll end up eating it...God damn I need to be stronger..

Plus 2 oatmealraisin cookies. I am very screwed! Oh well, I'm going bridge jumping now!!

Monday, August 16, 2010

"The wind blows through your hair, as you're walking people stare.."

Well, I am back again. :) Today went well. I didn't eat any solid food whatsoever..but the night hours are creeping in..I'm contemplating on whether or not I should go to the kitchen pantry and grab myself a rice cake..But will I be able to stop? How about I make a deal with myself: I can only consume about 100 calories in solid food before I go to sleep. So that means a rice cake and some fruit, right? Also, since I went the day without eating I can have some hot chocolate. Oh God, I hope I don't get any fatter...

Alright, so I've eaten the fruit (less than 50 cals. of frozen berries) and I'm starting on the rice cake. I don't even think that I'll have the hot cocoa...And as long as I don't eat any more tonight I think I'll be fine. :)

I haven't felt that "high" yet, only an upset stomach. I must not be starving enough.

I'm not exactly sure what my plan for tomorrow is. I think I'll keep the solid food under 500 calories, and as for liquids only water and calorie free drinks. Sounds good. :)

"You're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black.."

I know I've been writing a lot lately, but I'm trying to stay motivated. I'm trying to keep my head on straight.

I haven't eaten anything yet, but that's nothing to brag about. I'm feeling really happy with all of this. :) Starving makes me feel strong and skinny. I'm worried a little that it'll get out of hand and I will end up bony and furry..but that'd be a long ways away anyway. I want to be tiny and gorgeous and thin. I have nothing against overweight people like a lot of people with the same mindset as mine, but I know that I will not let myself be fat for any longer. I'm going to be thinner by the time my love returns. That's my goal. My goal in weight loss is to be 110 pounds.

Well, I'll probably write more later today, but for now, here are some more pictures:


Sunday, August 15, 2010

It was too cold to cry when I woke up alone. I hit my last number and walked to the road


These are for inspiration:














Today didn't go as I had planned. I gave in to the temptation of food, even though I craved the high of starvation all the while. Tomorrow will go as planned, and I will fast.

I know it isn't healthy and all that crap, and I'm not trying to promote this lifestyle to anyone but myself. I want to be beautiful. And special. And thin. And this is the way I want to do it. :)

I guess it's safe to say I'm a very passionate person. I can feel music pulsing through my veins. I can taste the one I love  in my dreams.Oh God, I miss him. I inhale the morning sunlight. when I arise. Everything I touch, taste, smell, hear, see sends a ripple of static through my body. Or at least I want it to. Lately, I haven't felt truly alive. I crave that. And I crave the feelings that will come with starvation. I want to float along in my world like a feather. :)

Mmmm, I'm listening to Dashboard Confessional. :)
"My hopes are so high that you're kiss might kill me..So won't you kill me?"

In a way, this is my journal. I know that someone could come across this, and then my thoughts would be naked and exposed. But at the same time I don't care.

Right now, I weigh 120ish pounds and I feel burdened with the weight I carry. I just want to lose some of it, especially before my boyfriend returns from his trip, so he can pick me up and say "Oh, Sara, you feel so light!" But today I binged and it was pretty bad...

Tomorrow:
No solid food. Water, tea, and diet soda is fine. No mints, gum or candy whatsoever; they just lead to more solid junk. So basically, it's a liquid fast. I hate exercise, but I can endure hunger. :)

I will do this! :)


Lighter Than Air




"I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I wish I was special...You're so very special.."-Creep, Radiohead

I want to be thin. I want to have control.



Earlier, I gave in to the enemy...I couldn't throw it all up..


What the hell am I doing here? I suck at starving myself, and even at purging!
But I will get better. I will become more beautiful. I will become thin!

I can't wait to be hungry.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TWUFshLaRE&has_verified=1