Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween

Well...things are moving. The days slip in and out. It is Halloween- did you guys eat any candy?

I sure did. I've eaten way too fucking much these past few days. Hell, I've eaten way too fucking much these past few years. I'm disgusting.




But I'll make up for it soon. How about tomorrow? :)

Stay strong and beautiful!

Friday, October 29, 2010

I'm such a failure. Nothing is going as planned, and I'm fat. Yuck.


:(

Thursday, October 28, 2010

"You moved like honey in my dream last night..Yeah, some old fires were burning..You came near to me and you endeared to me..But you couldn't quite discern me."

Last night didn't go as planned. I ate way too much and I didn't even lose anything, so I broke the rules big time.
I've already eaten too much this morning, so I think I'm going to try to eat like "normal" for once, since I might be hanging out with this girl who doesn't know me very well. Also, my bf heard me throwing up in the bathroom, so that made him upset. :(

It's our 8 month anniversary today. I baked him cookies. :)
I'm a bad girlfriend.

I think the real reason I'm going to try and eat normal today is because he said if I don't stop, he's going to start.
And that scares me.  :/

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

"There's just no mercy in your eyes.. There ain't no time to set things right.. And I'm afraid I've lost the fight.."

I weighed in at 124.6 this morning so for breakfast and lunch I'm allowing myself to have two 50-calorie apples. :)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Chew and Spit.

 I was planning on fasting today, but I weighed in at 126.2, so I think I will reward myself with a 100 calorie yogurt. I think that's how it'll go during this fast. I can only eat when I've reached one of my goals, and it has to be under 100 calories. I can go back to normal restricting after I've fainted. :)

Monday, October 25, 2010

"We all have to find our own ways to say good-bye." — Sherman Alexie

I'm sorry for my self-pity posts. :/

Q (my bf) almost killed himself last night. I saw the cuts today. 36 of them run down his right leg. He carved the word "FOREVER" on his left thigh. That's a weird thing we do. Scratch words into our bodies. My right hip says "STARVE" and my left wrist says "TRASH." He said that he passed out. He thought he was dying.

This terrifies me, it fills me with fear. I need to empty myself of that fear.
Come morning, I'm going to fast until I faint. Until I think I'm dying.

Well, I suppose I should get back to my studies.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

"And I'm afraid I've lost the fight. I'm just a painful reminder, Another day you leave behind.."

Helpless is what I am. Helpless, hopeless, worthless.

I had a dream the other night. In it, there was a girl. She was naked and walking around a room picking clothes up from the floor. Her hair,shiny, was pulled back in a messy updo. She was beautiful, in an eerie way, with sharp bones jutting out from her skin, and a fragile look about her. That girl was me.

Obviously not me at the moment though. Right now pads of grotesque fat cover my stomach, my thighs, my arms. I weighed in 128.4 today. Yuck.

I know it shouldn't be thinking like this. I know that I'm selfish and cruel to the people around me. I know my self-degradation is unfair to the ones who love me.

But I'm helpless, remember?

And I think they're even starting to realize it.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Home.

I just got back from a 4 day long backpacking trip with school. My school is a charter school, so we have these outdoor trips all the time.

It went well, I suppose. :) The food consisted of oatmeal, tortillas, summer sausage, cheese, PB and J, ramen noodles, instant potatoes, and granola bars. :/ I couldn't starve or purge and I could barely even poop. haha. My bf and I got in a couple of spats, but those were mainly due to my jealousy and insecurity. Apparently,I'm not that easy to talk to. :( Also,I'm sort of an extrovert, I feel like I can't really connect with people, unless I'm really close to them, unlike my bf who can make everyone and anyone laugh. Apparently, when I do talk topeople, I'm being "trashy" or childish." I just want to be the girl that everyone loves...and that doesn't seem to be working. Once I'm thinner though,I won't need to be jealous and insecure. It'll be perfect. Right?

I'm pretty sore because we hiked like 10 miles a day, except today we only did 5. I'm excited to be able to eat "normally" and sleep warmly and fast and purge and restrict, but I love the serene feeling of being deep in the woods, in thought, in depth with myself and that world. I miss it. I miss the sounds and the smells and the sights. And it'snot like I live in a big metropolis city or anything, but it's not even close to being a part of nature. I would never wake up to that squirrel outside of my room or see that porcupine climbing the tree in my front lawn.

Well, I'm going to take my first shower in days. :)
Hopefully, I can just relax.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I'm breaking my fast a little early. I suppose I am weak, but I will be fasting  soon. :)

"She wore that dress like it was a Saturday. Pretty as a summer rose, picked in the morning.."

It's Day 2 of fast, and I feel great!
I packed a lunch so my mother doesn't get suspicious, but I will just give it away.
I'm going to a cross-country meet today although I won't be racing,I'll still burn some calories warming up with the team and such.

I'll blog more soon! :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

It's getting tricky, but I'm still fasting unfailingly. :)
I like how easy it is for me to just not eat.
I'm cleansing myself.

"Don't you tell me to deny it. I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins..:"

I'm not eating today or tomorrow. :)

I need to redeem myself. Yesterday was gross, except for when I went running. I think I'm going to get back into that.

Q cut himself again. He didn't want to show me. You know how great of a girlfriend that shows I am? He should be able to talk to me about anything..but then again, here I am, blogging my eating habits..

I'm suffering for my sins.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Yesterday was my first fast. :)

I'm getting stronger.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

10/10/10

Now all your love is wasted? Then who the hell was I? Now I'm breaking at the britches And at the end of all your lines

This weekend was horrible. I've eaten way too much. Even this morning I had an egg McMuffin and a pie thing and a mocha. :((( I threw up some of it though. I have to be strong from now on. I can't make anymore excuses!  It's 10/10/10 and I'm starting up again.

Friday, October 8, 2010

"I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control."

I'm at school right now. It's 3rd period, the period before lunch. All I've eaten is a couple of slices of apples and that's what I'll have for lunch, along with carrots.  :)

Quanah's coming over after school, so I need to conceal the fact that I'm eating like a bird. I will eat like a skinny person. Hunger is becoming my friend. I like it. :)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

So softly, rain against the windows..and the strong coffee, warming up my fingers."

I'm getting better. :)
After that period of eating "healthily" and "normally" I gained 10 pounds. It was only for like a week!
Yesterday I ate around 700 calories, and today so far I've consumed about 400. I know I should be doing better, but it's a start. :)

I'm also doing well at disguising it. I make sure that my lunches are under 100 calories, although they don't seem like it. Yesterday I had an apple and it was pretty big, and today I had soup and carrots. Also, yesterday, pretty much all I ate I ate when I was when I was with him.  I don't want to hurt him.

I want to be his tiny dancer. :)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Establishing the basics..

Who am I?

  • I'm a girl who likes to be goofy. 
  • I want a ukulele for my birthday (which happens to be in less than a day)
  • A girl who loves to feel pretty. 
  • A girl who can be seen practically always in a dress, but who enjoys wearing anything quirky. 
  • A girl who breathes music. Every type of music. Except for country or rap. haha My "it" artists at the very moment: Fiona Apple, Bright Eyes, and Eddie Vedder. Also, I'm listening to "Jane Doe" by Nevershotnever right now. And one could never go wrong with Dashboard Confessional.
  • I think I really enjoy writing. 
  • I love fresh air, sunshine, and wide,open fields. 
  • I'm a girl who spends too much time crammed up inside. It's not good for me in there.
  •  I have moments where I'm sad because I'm sad for no apparent reason because I should be happy with my life when everything is going well. 
  • Sometimes I feel ugly, stupid, mean, and fat. 
  • And sometimes I act ugly, stupid, mean, and fat. I do not like that part of me. 
  • I suppose that I've been through a lot of sucky things, but I refuse to dwell on them.
  • I have a cat named Thomas, who I call unpleasant names even though I don't really mean it 
  • My favorite person is definitely my boyfriend, my one and only true love. We are finding our way through this maze together, and I know I couldn't make it out on my own. He tells me I'm beautiful. 
  • Sometimes I do feel beautiful. I do feel like a true artist, a real musician. I feel like my voice will carry. Like I will be heard and appreciated. I feel like a model for the world. I sometimes even feel thin. I would never admit these feelings out loud though, so don't hold me to them.
  •  I enjoy attending school and learning and gaining knowledge. 
  • I yearn for a sense of uniqueness. I like to feel special and loved and I like attention. Even so, I hate to feel selfish and greedy.
  • I'm a hopeless romantic who finds passion in sillyness. My idea of a wonderful date is playing Mad Gab in a coffee house.
  • I see the world not as a place where I should spend my time figuring out its deepest meanings and intentions should be unearthed, but as a place of opportunity. I should not waste this time given to me. I should go on an adventure everyday that my heart still beats.
  •  I love to find treasures. 
  • I need to learn to stop and smell the flowers, to just live for the freaking moment. 
  • I go through my stages of depression. This ed stage is a side-effect.  
  •  But I do long to be thin and beautiful and light and small and overall just a girl that everyone loves. Will I ever be that girl? I don't know. 
  • I do know something though. My greatest fear is being alone, without my love. And it hurts him when I'm depressed. And it hurts him when I hurt myself. And I don't want to hurt him, I want to make him happy.
  •  I'm a girl who needs balance.
    I am also a girl who usually doesn't stay up this late.
    Good night, world.

    Love,
    Sara