I feel disgusted....yet, oddly satisfied.
Today I purged for the first time in a while. I think this purge serves as a marker for a new beginning..of course one that doesn't include purging..only starving...I'm definitely relapsing...but this time it feels different...I feel more mature..if that makes any sense..It feels rather exhilarating, in a twisted manner.. I've missed being empty and having my senses awakened and feeling my bones and feeling...invincible.
I never truly recovered. I just went to therapy and then dropped out because I was too ashamed and it became too much of a hassle. This summer I got blackout drunk and my idiotic mother called the cops and they took me to the hospital where apparently I told them all of my suicidal thoughts. of course, the next morning I didn't remember any of it, but still had to go in to the place where I used to attend therapy and get an eval. My idiotic mother, again, for some reason won't set up a therapy appointment for me no matter how many times I've reminded her. Every time she thinks of another excuse and it erupts into a big argument.
I just want to be happy...
The other night, I was planning my suicide for January 2nd, my father's death day. I'm not sure if it will work out, and I don't even know how or if I'm going to go through with the act. I know this is silly, but I looked up ways to do it and the first website (http://www.cracked.com/article_15658_the-ten-minute-suicide-guide.html) was actually mindchanging..especially the part about the 50% rule which states that since the average person lives to be about 75, if you're under 38 then odds are you haven't, for instance, heard the funniest joke you'll ever hear.
It gave me a little more willpower to carry on. :)
I hope whoever's reading this is happy and healthy and has a mother who gives a fuck.
