Hello lovelies,
I hope you don't mind but this post will be just me rambling senselessly..
I'm relapsing and it feels great. I haven't lost a lot of weight yet...but I will.
At the beginning of the school year, I had a sports physical and the doctor didn't seem to believe that I had previously had an eating disorder because my BMI is like 23... I've gained A LOT of weight...He was, however, very nice about the scars on my wrist..he said gently "You don't do this anymore do you?" And I said "No, I don't" and he said "Let's keep it that way, kiddo" and it made me feel like someone cared. Anyway, I really hope to go back to him once I'm skinny again and show him how much weight I've lost.
I'm so ridiculously sick of school. No one likes me. Somehow, I think losing weight will change this...
I'm becoming so tired of my so called friend and her bullshit. She's the most two-faced, rude, stuck up person..Whenever I even beginning to mention a mental problem to her she says "Okay _______ (insert name of someone she hates)" Oh well..once she gets the hint that I don't appreciate the way she treats me then she'll realize that she's pushed away most of her friends. Of course, there is an 80% chance that she'll view the situation as her being better than everyone else but whatevs.
I'm wondering if I should start my diet over break and come back skinnier or if I should wait until the New Year...I think it would be better to start it over break and then come back....let's see...10 pounds lighter...hm...10 pounds in 10 days sounds tough..but I bet I can do it.
I'll probably have to purge Christmas dinner but I did last year and the year before anyway...haha
Alright. My weight right now is (barf) 145.4
It WILL be 135.4 by the time school is back in session in 10 days. I CAN do this. I've done it before.
Here I go.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Under Cover of Darkness.
I feel disgusted....yet, oddly satisfied.
Today I purged for the first time in a while. I think this purge serves as a marker for a new beginning..of course one that doesn't include purging..only starving...I'm definitely relapsing...but this time it feels different...I feel more mature..if that makes any sense..It feels rather exhilarating, in a twisted manner.. I've missed being empty and having my senses awakened and feeling my bones and feeling...invincible.
I never truly recovered. I just went to therapy and then dropped out because I was too ashamed and it became too much of a hassle. This summer I got blackout drunk and my idiotic mother called the cops and they took me to the hospital where apparently I told them all of my suicidal thoughts. of course, the next morning I didn't remember any of it, but still had to go in to the place where I used to attend therapy and get an eval. My idiotic mother, again, for some reason won't set up a therapy appointment for me no matter how many times I've reminded her. Every time she thinks of another excuse and it erupts into a big argument.
I just want to be happy...
The other night, I was planning my suicide for January 2nd, my father's death day. I'm not sure if it will work out, and I don't even know how or if I'm going to go through with the act. I know this is silly, but I looked up ways to do it and the first website (http://www.cracked.com/article_15658_the-ten-minute-suicide-guide.html) was actually mindchanging..especially the part about the 50% rule which states that since the average person lives to be about 75, if you're under 38 then odds are you haven't, for instance, heard the funniest joke you'll ever hear.
It gave me a little more willpower to carry on. :)
I hope whoever's reading this is happy and healthy and has a mother who gives a fuck.
Today I purged for the first time in a while. I think this purge serves as a marker for a new beginning..of course one that doesn't include purging..only starving...I'm definitely relapsing...but this time it feels different...I feel more mature..if that makes any sense..It feels rather exhilarating, in a twisted manner.. I've missed being empty and having my senses awakened and feeling my bones and feeling...invincible.
I never truly recovered. I just went to therapy and then dropped out because I was too ashamed and it became too much of a hassle. This summer I got blackout drunk and my idiotic mother called the cops and they took me to the hospital where apparently I told them all of my suicidal thoughts. of course, the next morning I didn't remember any of it, but still had to go in to the place where I used to attend therapy and get an eval. My idiotic mother, again, for some reason won't set up a therapy appointment for me no matter how many times I've reminded her. Every time she thinks of another excuse and it erupts into a big argument.
I just want to be happy...
The other night, I was planning my suicide for January 2nd, my father's death day. I'm not sure if it will work out, and I don't even know how or if I'm going to go through with the act. I know this is silly, but I looked up ways to do it and the first website (http://www.cracked.com/article_15658_the-ten-minute-suicide-guide.html) was actually mindchanging..especially the part about the 50% rule which states that since the average person lives to be about 75, if you're under 38 then odds are you haven't, for instance, heard the funniest joke you'll ever hear.
It gave me a little more willpower to carry on. :)
I hope whoever's reading this is happy and healthy and has a mother who gives a fuck.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Perseverance.
My youth has been wasted on worry.
I've lived in poverty my whole life. I've suffered circumstances that my peers have not. I'm sick of it, but it's just a vicious cycle that I don't see how I can get out of. I'm battling problems within myself that perhaps have stemmed from these cruel circumstances that are now shriveling my hope for ever getting out of poverty's grasp. Day to day life is extremely difficult where I live with no money, no car, and no family. My mom became legally blind which not only impairs our living situation but also impairs her self-esteem, which could be the reason that she's no longer a support system for me. I'm alone...so that is why I need to stay determined. I can't let this depression swallow me.I will not let this depression swallow me. It is time to move forward..It is time to break free.
“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.
I've lived in poverty my whole life. I've suffered circumstances that my peers have not. I'm sick of it, but it's just a vicious cycle that I don't see how I can get out of. I'm battling problems within myself that perhaps have stemmed from these cruel circumstances that are now shriveling my hope for ever getting out of poverty's grasp. Day to day life is extremely difficult where I live with no money, no car, and no family. My mom became legally blind which not only impairs our living situation but also impairs her self-esteem, which could be the reason that she's no longer a support system for me. I'm alone...so that is why I need to stay determined. I can't let this depression swallow me.I will not let this depression swallow me. It is time to move forward..It is time to break free.
“If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Bella Donna.
"Lonesome like you were when you were sixteen.
When maybe even I weren't listening.
Did I help when I was kissing you?"
-The Avett Brothers, whom I so fortunately saw play this live
I was planning on walking to the library to study, but I won't because it is raining. It's a rather dismal day.
I sometimes wonder if anyone will ever fall in love with me again..wouldn't that be nice? It would help with my loneliness at least...But I wouldn't want to hurt another person again.
Oh well, it's very unlikely anyone will even come close anyway.
On another note, I just came home from a rock climbing trip in Taylor's Falls, MN. It was pretty fantastic. I love living outdoors where all you have to worry about is surviving. It's so much easier to appreciate the beauty pf nature when you're not worried about studies or appearances or any other bullshit. I've always loved climbing and found it pretty exhausting, not only physically but emotionally since it involves a lot of trust in the equipment and your partners.
x
When maybe even I weren't listening.
Did I help when I was kissing you?"
-The Avett Brothers, whom I so fortunately saw play this live
I was planning on walking to the library to study, but I won't because it is raining. It's a rather dismal day.
I sometimes wonder if anyone will ever fall in love with me again..wouldn't that be nice? It would help with my loneliness at least...But I wouldn't want to hurt another person again.
Oh well, it's very unlikely anyone will even come close anyway.
On another note, I just came home from a rock climbing trip in Taylor's Falls, MN. It was pretty fantastic. I love living outdoors where all you have to worry about is surviving. It's so much easier to appreciate the beauty pf nature when you're not worried about studies or appearances or any other bullshit. I've always loved climbing and found it pretty exhausting, not only physically but emotionally since it involves a lot of trust in the equipment and your partners.
x
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Yayyy!
Hello there no one,
If you are someone and you have stumbled across this post then feel free to read and comment but know that I am speaking to no one.
Tomorrow I am starting a 48 hour water fast. I need the cleansing. My body is a wreck, along with my mind.
I hope it will do me some good. I'm rather excited.
I've been pondering the thought of suicide an awful lot lately. In fact, it never truly leaves my mind...I am just so sick of feeling so worthless. Honestly, I don't think I have any potential for a good future, and I have a feeling that those around me are giving up as well. I'm wondering if I should give myself an ultimatum or if I should keep trudging through this murky life of mine. I just want to become beautiful and happy and lively and successful. I have to prove to myself and everyone else that I am worth something.
Only time will tell, I suppose.
Oh, and if a someone does stumble upon this, here's a picture of me and my best friend Thomas. He's probably the only creature that genuinely loves me.. haha
If you are someone and you have stumbled across this post then feel free to read and comment but know that I am speaking to no one.
Tomorrow I am starting a 48 hour water fast. I need the cleansing. My body is a wreck, along with my mind.
I hope it will do me some good. I'm rather excited.
I've been pondering the thought of suicide an awful lot lately. In fact, it never truly leaves my mind...I am just so sick of feeling so worthless. Honestly, I don't think I have any potential for a good future, and I have a feeling that those around me are giving up as well. I'm wondering if I should give myself an ultimatum or if I should keep trudging through this murky life of mine. I just want to become beautiful and happy and lively and successful. I have to prove to myself and everyone else that I am worth something.
Only time will tell, I suppose.
Oh, and if a someone does stumble upon this, here's a picture of me and my best friend Thomas. He's probably the only creature that genuinely loves me.. haha
Friday, August 24, 2012
Hello readers, if you are still in my presence,
My computer is broken so I am blogging from the library. I'm still alive. I'm relapsing.
140.8 this morning...gross, but getting better. School starts in 11 days. Yesterday I was 144 exactly...on September 4th I will be less than 134 and on my way to loveliness. Wish me luck. I hope you all are well.
My computer is broken so I am blogging from the library. I'm still alive. I'm relapsing.
140.8 this morning...gross, but getting better. School starts in 11 days. Yesterday I was 144 exactly...on September 4th I will be less than 134 and on my way to loveliness. Wish me luck. I hope you all are well.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
I don't think anybody would guess how unhappy I really am. I should just end this pointless life...but I'm too much of a coward. I'm not going anywhere. Not doing anything. Just stuck.
Even my best friend doesn't care. All she cares about is herself. And that's okay because that's how people work. But I wish someone would genuinely give a fuck. I seriously go out of my way to make people happy everyday...at work, to my family, and to my friends. And no one gives a fuck. I'm just unhappy and useless, I guess.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
A tragedy has recently happened in my area, about 2 weeks ago a 17 year-old kid overdosed on some new synthetic drugs. His death has really affected me, even though I didn't know him. It's difficult to explain but I see how much it affects others and then I see that it even has affected strangers, such as myself. If I were to die would it make that much of an impact on the world?
I know all I ever talk about on here is food so I probably seem rather 2-dimensional, but that's because I don't like to take the time to release what I've been bottling up for so long. And I especially don't feel comfortable with the possibility of someone I know seeing this.
I should start a diary again.
I know all I ever talk about on here is food so I probably seem rather 2-dimensional, but that's because I don't like to take the time to release what I've been bottling up for so long. And I especially don't feel comfortable with the possibility of someone I know seeing this.
I should start a diary again.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
"White lips, pale face ,breathing in snowflakes..burnt lungs, sour taste.."
Today:
-special k bar = 90
-smart pop =100
-watermelon =100
-protein bar =190
-yogurt and berries =120
-oatmeal = 150
-tortilla with pb= 100
-chicken nuggets=250
=1,100
ran 3 miles.
i feel fucking horrible today.
i just want to disappear.
no one gives a fuck.
-special k bar = 90
-smart pop =100
-watermelon =100
-protein bar =190
-yogurt and berries =120
-oatmeal = 150
-tortilla with pb= 100
-chicken nuggets=250
=1,100
ran 3 miles.
i feel fucking horrible today.
i just want to disappear.
no one gives a fuck.
Friday, June 22, 2012
"Your skin, yeah your skin and bones, turn into something beautiful.."
Intake:
-special k bar= 90
-37 g of frosted mini wheats = 130
-chunk of a heath bar = ~80
-nectarine = 70
-sobe = 10
-watermelon = 40
-130
so far = 550 :)
+subway veggie delight =230
-avocao = 70
-parfait=160
-naked juice=260
-lollipop=60
=1,330
-special k bar= 90
-37 g of frosted mini wheats = 130
-chunk of a heath bar = ~80
-nectarine = 70
-sobe = 10
-watermelon = 40
-130
so far = 550 :)
+subway veggie delight =230
-avocao = 70
-parfait=160
-naked juice=260
-lollipop=60
=1,330
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Summer.
I know I said I'd start my journey officially on Monday..but today seems more like a legit start for me considering Tuesday I took an overnight trip with my school and ate a bunch of junkfood that day and yesterday.
But today I ran 8 miles without stopping! I'm so proud of myself! That's the most I've run at once in like two years!
And my intake is good so far.:
-3 tablespoons dietary snack mix (seeds and nuts) =140 calories, 5 grams of protein
-Sweet and Hot single serving Beef jerky = 120 calories, 21 grams of protein
-Special K bar= 90 calories
so far that's 350 calories consumed and ~900 calories burned!
:)
It's going to be a productive summer!
added:
-mocha light = 130
- soup = 60
-bite of oatmeal = 10
total= :550
But today I ran 8 miles without stopping! I'm so proud of myself! That's the most I've run at once in like two years!
And my intake is good so far.:
-3 tablespoons dietary snack mix (seeds and nuts) =140 calories, 5 grams of protein
-Sweet and Hot single serving Beef jerky = 120 calories, 21 grams of protein
-Special K bar= 90 calories
so far that's 350 calories consumed and ~900 calories burned!
:)
It's going to be a productive summer!
added:
-mocha light = 130
- soup = 60
-bite of oatmeal = 10
total= :550
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Determination.
Tomorrow, I am officially starting my quest to beauty and happiness.
Here are my goals by the end of the summer:
-Lose 20 pounds.
-Get my tongue (hopefully venom bites) and cartilage pierced. (And maybe a double tragus or triple forward helix)
-Clear my skin. I went to a dermatologist the other day and my prescriptions will come in tomorrow.
No more slacking. No more procrastinating.
Wish me luck.
xox
Here are my goals by the end of the summer:
-Lose 20 pounds.
-Get my tongue (hopefully venom bites) and cartilage pierced. (And maybe a double tragus or triple forward helix)
-Clear my skin. I went to a dermatologist the other day and my prescriptions will come in tomorrow.
No more slacking. No more procrastinating.
Wish me luck.
xox
Saturday, June 16, 2012
First of all, thank you guys for your comments and support. I really appreciate it.
Second of all, I'm allowing myself this weekend to still be a fatty and then I'm going to start my new diet and exercise regime. I don't have it completely planned out, but I think I'm going to cutout meat and dairy. We'll see.
xx
Second of all, I'm allowing myself this weekend to still be a fatty and then I'm going to start my new diet and exercise regime. I don't have it completely planned out, but I think I'm going to cutout meat and dairy. We'll see.
xx
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Oh shit..
My friend just announced that she's trying to lose 20 pounds. I know I should be happy that she's trying to be healthy, but I can't help but fear the competition. Her mom is even paying for her personal trainer. This means I have to kick my weightloss into drive. No more excuses. No more exceptions. No more being fat.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
I just told my mom that I was going to go slit my writs or jump off a bridge so she could be happy and she replied "No, because then I wouldn't have anyone to hand out money to!"
Fuck her. I only ask for money when I need it for necessities. I'm 16. I have a job for everything else. I'm fucking responsible. Fuck her.
Fuck her. I only ask for money when I need it for necessities. I'm 16. I have a job for everything else. I'm fucking responsible. Fuck her.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
I am so embarrassed of the nearly 15 pound weight gain that took place this past year. I once swore that I would never get to 140 and there I was at 148.6 :(
Oh well, I'm determined to get own to 125 by the end of the summer.
This morning I was 140, so that's a loss from yesterday. :)
I made myself an eggwhite omelette with veggies and a side of watermelon for breakfast. It was probably around 200 calories total.
6 eggwhite= 90
Veggies= 10
Watermelon= 100
I haven't binged or purged lately and I am so proud of myself for it. Let's keep this up!
Oh well, I'm determined to get own to 125 by the end of the summer.
This morning I was 140, so that's a loss from yesterday. :)
I made myself an eggwhite omelette with veggies and a side of watermelon for breakfast. It was probably around 200 calories total.
6 eggwhite= 90
Veggies= 10
Watermelon= 100
I haven't binged or purged lately and I am so proud of myself for it. Let's keep this up!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
141.4!
I was a little worried because yesterday I consumed nearly 1,400 calories!(Which I was too embarrassed to post but I'll write down now anyways just for the record)
Yesterday's intake:
-pretzels (120)
-mocha light frappucino (starbucks) (130)
-cherries (100)
-kombuchi (60)
-slim jim (200)
-2 pizzahut breadsticks (300)
-2 pizza hut cinnamon sticks (90)
-a cup of icecream (360)
:/ as you can see my eating got worse as the day went on and I got all of my calories from unhealthy foods. I think I ate them, but in "normal" proportions because I was trying to avoid a binge and purge session. I'm so glad I haven't done that this time around but I think next time I get cravings I'll eat something less fattening.
I'm losing. (in a good way) :)
I was a little worried because yesterday I consumed nearly 1,400 calories!(Which I was too embarrassed to post but I'll write down now anyways just for the record)
Yesterday's intake:
-pretzels (120)
-mocha light frappucino (starbucks) (130)
-cherries (100)
-kombuchi (60)
-slim jim (200)
-2 pizzahut breadsticks (300)
-2 pizza hut cinnamon sticks (90)
-a cup of icecream (360)
:/ as you can see my eating got worse as the day went on and I got all of my calories from unhealthy foods. I think I ate them, but in "normal" proportions because I was trying to avoid a binge and purge session. I'm so glad I haven't done that this time around but I think next time I get cravings I'll eat something less fattening.
I'm losing. (in a good way) :)
Monday, June 4, 2012
-4.
Holy shit, guys...I lost 4 pounds overnight!
142.8! Still ridiculous, but better. I'm sure it was all water weight, but that's better than nothing.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Oh lordy..
I'm "dieting" again. I swear this won't turn ugly. I just want to be beautiful. ♥
My goal is to lose 20-30 pounds by the start of my junior year. That's in 3 months almost to the date. That's not so bad. :) I just need to keep on track. I am so embarrassed of my weight...I cannot believe I've gained so much! but nevertheless I'm going to share it...
*Evil organ music chimes in* : 146.8.
I just want to be skinny again. It suits me much better than my present chubby self.
Today I consumed 505 calories:
-Yogurt (100)
-Apple (70)
-2 hard candies (30)
-Light soup (70)
-Freeze pop (30)
-Another yogurt (100) (I know it was unnecessary :/)\
-Cup of cheerios (100)
-gum (5)
And I did 250 crunches. We'll see what my weight is in the morning. :)
Tomorrow I'm aiming to eat more wholesome foods and a greater variety of fruits and veggies and maybe a little bit of peanut butter.
My goal is to lose 20-30 pounds by the start of my junior year. That's in 3 months almost to the date. That's not so bad. :) I just need to keep on track. I am so embarrassed of my weight...I cannot believe I've gained so much! but nevertheless I'm going to share it...
*Evil organ music chimes in* : 146.8.
I just want to be skinny again. It suits me much better than my present chubby self.
Today I consumed 505 calories:
-Yogurt (100)
-Apple (70)
-2 hard candies (30)
-Light soup (70)
-Freeze pop (30)
-Another yogurt (100) (I know it was unnecessary :/)\
-Cup of cheerios (100)
-gum (5)
And I did 250 crunches. We'll see what my weight is in the morning. :)
Tomorrow I'm aiming to eat more wholesome foods and a greater variety of fruits and veggies and maybe a little bit of peanut butter.
Wish me luck! xo
Monday, May 21, 2012
The Weeks.
These tears they come at night
You live and learn to fight
I don't know what I'm living for anymore. Time is passing and I am lingering on the same thoughts day by day. "You're fat. Stop eating."; "Nobody loves you."; "You're ugly."; "Life is pointless." I don't know how to stop them. I need to fix my flaws, but I don't know where to start. I guess I just need to work on them one by one.
I'll start with my appearance. Perhaps those thoughts themselves could be subject to adjustment...but how? To me, they are true.
In this very moment, I am listening to possibly one of the most gorgeous songs I have ever heard:
"Hold it Kid (Your Heart Just Slkipped a Beat)" -The Weeks
Give it a listen, if you wish to.
You live and learn to fight
I don't know what I'm living for anymore. Time is passing and I am lingering on the same thoughts day by day. "You're fat. Stop eating."; "Nobody loves you."; "You're ugly."; "Life is pointless." I don't know how to stop them. I need to fix my flaws, but I don't know where to start. I guess I just need to work on them one by one.
I'll start with my appearance. Perhaps those thoughts themselves could be subject to adjustment...but how? To me, they are true.
In this very moment, I am listening to possibly one of the most gorgeous songs I have ever heard:
"Hold it Kid (Your Heart Just Slkipped a Beat)" -The Weeks
Give it a listen, if you wish to.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Hmm?
I've gained so much weight. Time to go back to not eating. I'm not going to be obsessive this time though. I'm just barely going to eat. Simple as that. I'll get skinny again.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Rebellion.
I'm better, dare I say. I haven't purged, starved, cut etc. in quite some time. I can attribute my well being to my keeping busy. I've just been trying to have fun lately...you know, the dirty, teenage fun..staying out late, listening to loud music in the car, midnight swimming, never being home, never being alone..you know the rest. .
To be honest, I hate being alone with my thoughts. I can't stand the recurring ideas that come into my head and weigh me down. I just want to be carefree. I will not let them oppress me.
I hope you all are well.
To be honest, I hate being alone with my thoughts. I can't stand the recurring ideas that come into my head and weigh me down. I just want to be carefree. I will not let them oppress me.
I hope you all are well.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
No one.
I'm alone.
I deserve it.
I've pushed everyone away. I'm not sure how, but I've done it. It used to be that I always had someone to run to, someone I could depend on for company. But now I'm alone. It seems everybody I once had, has somebody else that they rely on more. There's no need for me. I am unwanted. I am forgotten.
My boyfriend, whom I'm not even sure if I can call him that anymore, is getting fed up with my "drama." We don't see each other very often because I'm no fun to be around. He's moving soon and I'm sure he will forget me completely, if he hasn't already. He's excited to move on with his life.
My best friend since childhood, L, was submitted to inpatient treatment on Wednesday for self-injury and I found out yesterday through a message on facebook from her Mom. L was supposed to call me today but she hasn't. I guess I shouldn't feel hurt that she hasn't contacted me because I've sort of been a bitch to her since I've been wrapped up in my own problems. I guess for some strange fucking reason, I was stupid and selfish enough to think that my problems were more serious...or at least I gave off that vibe, which made her not want to talk to me. Fuck, I regret so many things.
These people in my life that I thought I had a special connection with are replacing me. My boyfriend spends more time with his family than with me. And he's so focused on leaving. L has acquired a new best friend, whom she not only talked to more about these things, but who has already visited her in treatment. Even my own mother has replaced me....well not so much replaced me but I focused on the well being of my 30 year old sister over my well being. My sister is pregnant. I hate living here. I want to move. Mother refuses because she doesn't want to leave sister.
Typing all of this out makes me hate myself even more since I sound like such a selfish bitch.
My point is I have no one. On top of that I've been skipping school, and have no motivation to go anywhere in life Could I even o anywhere if I tried? I've lost everyone...because I'm an inconsiderate, fat, self-absorbed sob? Or because I just don't matter? Perhaps both.
But, in a way, this is a good thing. This means that no one will miss me too much. My options are narrowing.
Will this be the end for me?
I deserve it.
I've pushed everyone away. I'm not sure how, but I've done it. It used to be that I always had someone to run to, someone I could depend on for company. But now I'm alone. It seems everybody I once had, has somebody else that they rely on more. There's no need for me. I am unwanted. I am forgotten.
My boyfriend, whom I'm not even sure if I can call him that anymore, is getting fed up with my "drama." We don't see each other very often because I'm no fun to be around. He's moving soon and I'm sure he will forget me completely, if he hasn't already. He's excited to move on with his life.
My best friend since childhood, L, was submitted to inpatient treatment on Wednesday for self-injury and I found out yesterday through a message on facebook from her Mom. L was supposed to call me today but she hasn't. I guess I shouldn't feel hurt that she hasn't contacted me because I've sort of been a bitch to her since I've been wrapped up in my own problems. I guess for some strange fucking reason, I was stupid and selfish enough to think that my problems were more serious...or at least I gave off that vibe, which made her not want to talk to me. Fuck, I regret so many things.
These people in my life that I thought I had a special connection with are replacing me. My boyfriend spends more time with his family than with me. And he's so focused on leaving. L has acquired a new best friend, whom she not only talked to more about these things, but who has already visited her in treatment. Even my own mother has replaced me....well not so much replaced me but I focused on the well being of my 30 year old sister over my well being. My sister is pregnant. I hate living here. I want to move. Mother refuses because she doesn't want to leave sister.
Typing all of this out makes me hate myself even more since I sound like such a selfish bitch.
My point is I have no one. On top of that I've been skipping school, and have no motivation to go anywhere in life Could I even o anywhere if I tried? I've lost everyone...because I'm an inconsiderate, fat, self-absorbed sob? Or because I just don't matter? Perhaps both.
But, in a way, this is a good thing. This means that no one will miss me too much. My options are narrowing.
Will this be the end for me?
Friday, January 20, 2012
Hiding.
Hello there, beauties...
I've been hiding from you.I've been avoiding posting because I'm a fat failure. I failed at my diet plan. I guess it's too much, too healthy. I'd rather just restrict and eat as little as possible until this fat is gone.Maybe until I'm dead. To be honest, I don't see the point in trying so hard in life. Nobody likes me anyway, not even myself. I'm stuck..
Oh well, I guess I'll just go along for the adventure.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
"Fasting cleanses the soul, raises the mind... Enter again into yourself."--Saint Augustine
Hello there, wanderers...
Today is my fasting day. I really need this to motivate me. If I can go without, I can certainly live on less. I want to be a minimalist when it comes towards food. I'm tired of being such a slob. I know I can do this.
I hope you all are well.
update:
it's only like 3 p.m. and I already gave in...I ate some mango and green pepper...There goes my fast. I'll try not to be too discouraged and angry at myself though because there's still progress to be made, right? It was only 100 calories..
Today is my fasting day. I really need this to motivate me. If I can go without, I can certainly live on less. I want to be a minimalist when it comes towards food. I'm tired of being such a slob. I know I can do this.
I hope you all are well.
-S
update:
it's only like 3 p.m. and I already gave in...I ate some mango and green pepper...There goes my fast. I'll try not to be too discouraged and angry at myself though because there's still progress to be made, right? It was only 100 calories..
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Guys I have to make a decision. Either I can keep living my life like the ugly fatty I'm becoming or I can be productive and make something of myself. Today is my last day of junk food. I've gained 10 fucking pounds. I'm at my highest weight ever. Oh god its so fucking disgusting. I am such a slob. So tonight I will let myself eat whatever because, starting tomorrow, I will not put anymore shit into my body. Seriously. I NEED TO TEACH MYSELF SELF-CONTROL. Tomorrow and, if I'm still holding strong, Monday I will water fast...I know, I know fasting is bad...but I need to prove to myself that I can do this, that I can stop being such a fat ass. Starting Tuesday (when my classes start up again) my meal plan will be as follows:
-Fruit and juice smoothie in the morning
-Salad with lots of veggies and low calorie dressing during the day
-Fruit in between meals
-if I'm hungry at night I will eat something like steamed vegetables or plain oatmeal, but I will never eat after 7
-My beverages are limited to water, plain coffee, and maybe some 100% juice every once in a while
My absolute off-limits foods are:
-Cheese..god, it's sooooo fattening.
-Meat of any kind
-Potato chips and fatty crackers
-Chocolate and gummy candy
-Baked goods such as cookies or little Debbies..
- bread
Guys I know this probably sounds like a shitload of food to all of you, and my off limits foods are foods that toy probably never dream of eating but trust me, its much healthier/ less abundant than the "food" I've been eating and I know that if I don't offer myself some room then I will eventually go crazy and binge.
Wish me luck, beauties.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
"This town's alone and therefore, I see no end in sight."
Hey lovelies! Sorry I'm not posting so frequently. I have, however, been posting almost daily at Vitamin S † so check it out if you get the chance..I see that some of you are already following it, so thank you. :)
I'm trying to focus on purging these bad habits rather than my food. I've been eating more fruits and vegetables and haven't been bingeing...however I do still eat junk on a regular basis. :( I've definitely gained weight since I've lessened my purging, so that makes me uneasy, but I feel like eventually I'll be able to cut out all of those processed junk foods completely, or to the point of only having them like once a week or something. Wow that sentence should get an award for being such a run-on ...But yes...my ideal meal plan would consist mostly of fruits and veggies, with slight amounts of legumes and maybe fish for protein...Actually, I'm thinking of becoming vegan again, so no fish, and I'm not really sure why I stopped. Hmmm. I guess it just got too difficult.People gave me a TON of shit for it...which I know, is no reason not to pursue something...but my social anxiety sort of got the best of me. And to be honest, I was craving things like yogurt..haha. Actually, after I stopped my eating disorder kicked in again right away.The guilt from eating animals and their products (and enjoying the tastes) piled on top of the guilt from eating FAT was too much too handle, I suppose.So I went overboard..
But anyway, I guess I'll be done rambling away now and I'll go clean my living quarters.
I hopes you all are doing well!
Stay Strong, beauties!
Love,
S.
I'm trying to focus on purging these bad habits rather than my food. I've been eating more fruits and vegetables and haven't been bingeing...however I do still eat junk on a regular basis. :( I've definitely gained weight since I've lessened my purging, so that makes me uneasy, but I feel like eventually I'll be able to cut out all of those processed junk foods completely, or to the point of only having them like once a week or something. Wow that sentence should get an award for being such a run-on ...But yes...my ideal meal plan would consist mostly of fruits and veggies, with slight amounts of legumes and maybe fish for protein...Actually, I'm thinking of becoming vegan again, so no fish, and I'm not really sure why I stopped. Hmmm. I guess it just got too difficult.People gave me a TON of shit for it...which I know, is no reason not to pursue something...but my social anxiety sort of got the best of me. And to be honest, I was craving things like yogurt..haha. Actually, after I stopped my eating disorder kicked in again right away.The guilt from eating animals and their products (and enjoying the tastes) piled on top of the guilt from eating FAT was too much too handle, I suppose.So I went overboard..
But anyway, I guess I'll be done rambling away now and I'll go clean my living quarters.
I hopes you all are doing well!
Stay Strong, beauties!
Love,
S.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy New Year!
Hello everybody! How are you all doing? I'm going to try to make this post less moody than my usual ones...haha, wish me luck...
So, it's the new year! Is everyone motivated to make a change?
My resolution is not set yet because, to be honest, I'm torn as to what I should change. I know for sure I need to stop bingeing and purging..Ah, that will be it. But I'm afraid if I say "no purging" it will just turn into plain bingeing. I will not let that happen though. I think I will try to work out more as well. I want a gym membership so badly but I'm broke...
Honesty, I just wish I was one of those people who stay super skinny no matter what due to their lightning fast metabolisms. I was at a party last night and all of the girls there were like that and I wanted to cry because I felt guilty for eating so much and I knew that it would show up on the scale for me. And this girl there was talking about how she lost 3 pounds over winter break without even trying and I was so jealous. Oddly enough though, she told us her weight and she weighs around the same as me....but I think her scale must be broken or something..because I look like 47283974 pounds heavier than her...or she's just all muscle....
Anyway...how was all of your New Years Eves? What are your resolutions?
Stay strong. :)
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