Thoughts.

Hey, so you guys were right about the food processor...it will come in handy! I am glad I got it. :) I apologize for coming off as a spoiled brat.. Do any of you have a tumblr? If you do I would love it if we could follow each other. My url is findthekeywerebreakingfree.tumblr.com. I don't post many ed related things since people I know follow me, just so you know.

So my mate who lives a few hours away stayed with me for a few days over break and whenever I'm with her I eat so grossly. So now that's she's gone I'm trying to get back into restriction mode.

My intake so far has been:
-light yogurt (100)
-apple (80)
-granola bar (90)
-green tea :)

I'm hoping to not go over 600 today..which probably sounds like an absurdly high amount of calories to many of you, but I'm just getting back in the swing of things.  :)

So how often do you guys exercise? I find that I rarely do and it makes my eating disorder that much worse because I feel like I'm not deserving of food. I really want a gym membership.

I applied at the local Goodwill and I really hope that I get a job! First of all, I love thrift stores. I really enjoy the atmosphere and I am so fascinated by clothing. Second of all, I could really use the money. I live I'm an area where its difficult to get by without a car and since my mom was recently diagnosed as legally blind she can't drive and for some reason she won't help me out with the funds for a vehicle.. so I need to start saving up.

Sorry if I'm boring you with my ramblings but I hope you are well and I hope you all have a happy new years!

Stay strong.

Christmas.

Wow, family, way to get someone with an eating disorder presents having to do with food. My two big gifts were a gift card to a grocery store and a food processor. What the Fuck.

Haha.
Not that I'm not grateful...but couldn't they have gotten me something I asked for? It's like they're trying to torture me.

Sorry for my spoildness.

How is everybody? What did you get?
Happy holidays!

Love,
Sara.

Who Knows Who Cares

I still haven't stopped purging. I'm at full blown bulimia now..ugh. its gross. After a while its hard to get everything up...no wonder all of the bulimics Ive met are overweight. I'm probably consuming more calories from the binged than I would just eating normally without purging.

Winter break started today, which,yes, means more opportunity to b/p but you know what I'm going to use it for? Getting skinny. No more of this b/p cycle! I'm going to eat no more than 800 calories a day and I'm going to get some form of exercise everyday! I want to be beautiful! And I will be! Wish me luck girls!

I hope you guys are greatttt and I'll blog again before Christmas. :)

Liberation.

From here on out no more purging. NONE. Only starving.
Purging is awful, disgusting, vile, wretched and everything bad combined. I feel horrid afterwards physically, my throat is sore and my body is bloated. Yes, I do find slight relief mentally in the fact that the junk I'd just consumed is out of my system but I don't think it's worth the painful process. Honestly, the only reason I'd eaten it in the first place was that I knew I'd be able to throw it up afterwards....so that's like giving myself permission to be out of control and greedy. If I think about it...the whole process is so wasteful. There are people who actually need the food that I'll just be flushing down the toilet...Not to mention the water that is wasted while the shower is running...At least if I'm just not eating in the first place then I'm not wasting resources.. Anyway, this cycle of starving during the day,bingeing then purging when I get home has become a habit that I NEED to rid myself of. There's nothing good to it.

Also, how do you guys view starving? Do you see it as a way t control yourself? A way to make yourself stronger?
I see it like that in a way, but I also like to view it not as restriction, but as a way of freeing myself from the excessive feeling of the need to eat and as a way to be more grateful for the small amount of food that I plan to allow myself. Is my mindset unusual or do you guys feel the same way? I find it much more comforting to view it as a form of liberation rather than self restraint.

Also, I'd like to thank miss alisha and Bones for being my most faithful followers. :) You guys are great! I hope you are well, beauties.

-S.

P.S. I'm sorry I've been so bad at corresponding with everyone these last few months. I used to be so close to so many of you, and now, to be honest...I feel a little forgotten which is totally my fault for not keeping in touch. So many of you who I started out my blogging experience with have loads of followers now and I'm so happy for you.:)

'Tis the Season...

for depression.
At least that seems to be the case with me.

But this year I'm trying to make it happier. :) I decorated the house with dazzling lights and I'm purchasing Sufjan Stevens' Songs for Christmas, which always puts me in a better mood.

This year I don't think I'll limit my food too much around the holidays. I like to allow myself a treat every once in a while just so I don't feel too restricted.. and i have to keep up appearances for the family.

I'm down to 122 pounds. So that's 10 pounds down from what I was a month ago. Too bad its not noticeable on my body yet.
I hope that I'm down to 120 by Monday. :)
I hope you guys are doing well. :)

First of all, thank you guys for even caring. My email is henceforthtrekkingnorth@gmail.com if anyone wants to talk...what are your emails?
I'm fine. I just slept for 13 hours and then was super drowsy all day.
My eating disorder is back. I can feel my mindset changing. The way I view things is changing. I purge pretty much everything I eat throughout the day (which is a small amount anyway) and then I allow myself something like oatmeal at night.
I hope you guys are doing well.

Alone.

I just took 5 sleeping pills. Is that enough to die?

I wish I could never eat again and eventually just disappear.

I have no one. I have nothing.

I should just give up.

Giving in.

That's it. I'm giving in. This eating disorder has become second nature to me and I'm done fighting it.

My boyfriend thinks Ashley Greene is hot. I personally think her nose is atrocious. But she does have a nice body. She weighs like 74839825451920476472829283536 pounds less than me according to the internet. Not really..she weighs 110 and I weigh like 128 (gross, I know) So 110 is my new goal weight. :)

dispassion.

I miss it. I miss being able to turn to my eating disorder to disable my feelings.
Sure, I miss always being cold and wearing giant sweaters. I miss the comfort I would get from a cup of tea or a piece of fruit. I despise this insatiable yearn for food that I have lately. I miss being able to wrap my fingers around my thighs. I miss feeling graceful.
But most prominently I miss having a distraction, a way to calm my nerves. I miss feeling in control of something. I know eating disorders are not glamorous.
I know its not necessarily beautiful when your hair is falling out and your teeth are rotting.
But I miss some aspects of being consumed by my eating disorder.
Is this wrong?

I wish I was as pretty as those other girls.

I'm sick of being on tumblr or other websites and seeing all of these model-thin girls in their underwear. It makes me hate myself so much. I'm sick of being insecure when my boyfriend sees other girls.

I need to work harder. I need to exercise more. I need to eat better.
I need to be the best that he's ever seen. I'm sick of being average.

I need to become more attractive.

How is everybody doing?

You guys should check out my other blog. :)

http://dailyvaluenotestablished.blogspot.com/

A Little Snippet of my Passions

Sometimes I enjoy beautiful things like vintage dresses, acoustic music, purring cats, warm summer nights, classic novels and tea with sugar in it.

Other times I enjoy bad ass things like band T-Shirts, Jenna Marbles, LOUD music in the car, my boyfriend's tight jeans, thunderstorms, and Harry Fucking Potter.

Red lipstick fits into both categories, right?

Here we go again...

I think I'm relapsing...And to be honest...

What's stopping me?

This is gross.

Yuck. I was so unhealthy. I'm getting better now..

Master Cleanse!

That's right! This is my first time. :)
I'll try for a day and see how I feel. :)



Here's the reecipe I'll be using:

• 8 oz. of Water
• 2 Tbs Real Maple Syrup
• 2 Tbs Fresh Squeezed Lemon Juice
• A Dash of Cayenne Pepper

Wish me luck! Any suggestions?
Starting weight: 129.2

"My odds are stacked... I'll go back to black,"

Hey guys....I'm back AGAIN.
Long story short..I ended my relationship..

Today was a fast day.
How is everybody?

I'm not the greatest fan of Amy Winehouse but, hey, I guess her drug abuse pictures might be thinspirational for some so here you go:















Sorry if this post offends anyone in anyway.

Happiness,
Sara

I'm a legend. You know, they call me the cautionary whale. - Juno

I'm not pregnant, however, I am just fat. haha

I love Juno. It's definitely my favorite movie..It's the perfect mixture of comedy and romance, . :) I definitely recommend watching it!



So, today was gross food-wise.

I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to eat enjoyably. I know I'll regret it....but I'm hoping I won't. I figure that since I'm starting a competition with  americaneaglelove at A Mission for Beauty Pro-Ana, I might as well feel "happy" upon starting. :) I won't binge, I'll eat healthily, but satisfyingly..hah! Tuesday will be a normal 400 calorie day and on Wednesday I have a huge exam in the morning so I think I'll eat all of my calories during Breakfast.

The competition is May 10th through June 10th and I'm hoping to be 115 by the end of it. :)

Wish me luck and spread the word!
Stay Strong and Beautiful!

Fuck!

I'm binging atm....

Fuck!

Later:
I am horrendous. I am disgusting. I am scum.

But worst of all...I am fat.

I'm not eating anything else today. I weigh 127 poiut fucking 2 pounds after that b/p. I can't stand this.

I need to starve.

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”

Hey ladies! First of all, thank you for the welcome-back comments! I was worried that everyone had forgotten me.

I've been doing really well, actually, and I'm pleased with myself for the most part. For the past few days I haven't eaten over 400 calories, excluding purged calories. My goal for today was not to binge/purge, but of course to still restrict. I purchased chocolate cake donuts, but all I've done so far is smelll them. Hahaha 

If any of you have a tumblr account or if you just want to see mine, here is the link: http://sarakaylovesballet.tumblr.com/

Here"s my intake for today:

• Two Clementines (60)
• A Banana (100)
• Two grapes (10)
• A juice box (10)
• Soup (70)

Total: 250

I'll probably have something else to total 400. But I WILL NOT binge. I CANNOT afford it. My throat can't afford it. haha

Oh and  I'm sort of official now. The diagnosed me with EDNOS. Woohoo.....ha. ha. haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Weight: 125. :)
Not my all time low (duh I was 3 pounds when I was born, haha)
But I'm going to keep a good attitude.

Feed your brain with some eyecandy and ear candy(I promise it's calorie free!):

Haha just joking! That's not what I wanted to show you! (but check it out anyway!; that's my cat Thomas O'Malley!)

Here it is:

 

Have a Happy Mother's Day everyone! Do something nice for your mothers if you can! (no matter how much you can't stand her sometimes...well at least that's the case for me....I'm making mine pancakes in the morning. i'll smell but not touch...and if I do....well you all know what will happen.)

Stay strong and Remain Beautiful.

-Sara

"It took bites out of her insides 'til she was just a hollow shell.."

127.8

INTAKE:
-Coffee w/ Splenda <5
-Diet soda 0
-freeze dried fruit 45
-low sugar oatmeal 110
-banana 100
binge/purge
meal/purge
-maybe a yogurt or something 100

I know I'm fat.
I'll probably binge again.....ugh!

No!!! I refuse to!!! I will look at thinspo!!! I will eat something enjoyable and nonfattenting to hold me off...But I WILL NOT binge. I fucking despise purging. It's disgusting and I hate that I'm good at it.

Besides, I read that most of the calories consumed are retained nevertheless.

Damn.

I'm not back...

But I am still starving.

I love my boyfriend. :)

He's helping me get better. :)

...S.O.S.

I'll probably get into trouble for posting this, but I'm still alive. :)

I'm a fat pig though. I sort of made a deal with my lovely to be healthy. I also am reattending therapy. I don't like this, just so you know. And I can't wait to get thin again.

I'm at my "normal" weight which is 128.6. :(

Can you guys send me some links to your favorite thnspos and such? Thanks!

And Jacqueline, I sent you an email! Thanks for the invite. :) I love your blog.

Hello, everyone! Sorry it's been awhile since my last post.

For the most part, I've been sticking to my plan and I enjoy it, but then on Friday, my friend brought cinnamon rolls in at lunch ad not only did I eat mine, but I also ate my boyfriend's since he doesn't really like them..Can you say "FAT-ASS?"

But to make up for it I fasted and burned 1000 calories on my new mini elliptical yesterday. And now I'm down to 122.2. :) I think this is a new low weight for me. :)

I hope you guys are well, and sorry if I don't post for a while. I'm going to Arizona to visit family and I won't be home for almost 2 weeks.

Be strong!

"I'm too young to feel this old."-KoL

Love this song and this thinspo!

I'm glad you guys liked my list and thanks for the additions-I'm going to make it into a page and if you have any other things to add just leave a comment!

Oh my gosh! My spine feels amazing! I just noticed it when I was scratching my back. 

I'm starting a new plan to prevent binges too. I eat every 2 hours, six times a day. The micro meals are always under 100 calories. I like it. It's fun planning out my meals for the day. Also I'm recording everything and planning it out in a mini food log. :)

Today's intake: Meal 1 @ ~8 a.m.:Muesli (Thanks Miss Alisha again for the suggestion on serving size)(100)

Meal 2@~10.a.m.: Banana (100)

Meal3@~12.p.m.: Smart pop pocorn (100)

Meal4@~2 p.m.:Baked Doritoes (90)

Meal5@~4p.m.:Blueberries (100)

Meal 6@~8 p.m. (would be 6, but I took a nap): Veggie burger(100), grapefruit juice (10)

Total: 600

:) Be strong and Think thin! 

"Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night? For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt.."-Mumford and Sons

Alex, Avani, and other new followers: Welcome to my blog! I hope you enjoyed your stay, and please come again. :)

And everyone else thank you for your comments! I always enjoy them. :)

New Year's Eve was a Bust-Let's Hope it's Not a Bad Omen

"So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one."
-The New Year by Death Cab for Cutie


So I pigged out on New Year's. It was pigs in a blanket, chocolate covered pretzels, candy, and pie galore.

Dis-gus-ting.

This will not happen anymore! I refuse to let it!!


My New Year's Resolutions are as followed:
-Show my Boyfriend that I love him more often
-Reach 115 pounds.
-Read a book every month- January's is Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver
- Pass My Freshman Year with a 4.0 gpa.
-CEASE the b/p cycle

Furthermore, I will be making an inspirational list of reasons not to Binge/Purge. Any ideas?
Here's some of mine:
-Binging makes you fat and purging makes you bloated.
-It's more gross a process than the making of cottage cheese. haha
-When you binge, you aren't solving ANYTHING!
-Same goes for when you purge!
-It makes you FAT!
-It shows weakness.
-It is shameful.
-You deserve better.

How was your guys' New Year's celebration?

Bree: Happy New Year! Thanks for following, I hope you don;t get fed up with me too quickly. haha ;)
I'm looking forward to getting to know you too!


I want my jeans to fit like that





I love this picture! 



I will look that tiny! Just wait until I'm liftable!



Hipster!



I will be MODEL MATERIAL!






THIS WILL BE A GREAT YEAR. :) 


Let's live it up!