From here on out no more purging. NONE. Only starving.
Purging is awful, disgusting, vile, wretched and everything bad combined. I feel horrid afterwards physically, my throat is sore and my body is bloated. Yes, I do find slight relief mentally in the fact that the junk I'd just consumed is out of my system but I don't think it's worth the painful process. Honestly, the only reason I'd eaten it in the first place was that I knew I'd be able to throw it up afterwards....so that's like giving myself permission to be out of control and greedy. If I think about it...the whole process is so wasteful. There are people who actually need the food that I'll just be flushing down the toilet...Not to mention the water that is wasted while the shower is running...At least if I'm just not eating in the first place then I'm not wasting resources.. Anyway, this cycle of starving during the day,bingeing then purging when I get home has become a habit that I NEED to rid myself of. There's nothing good to it.
Also, how do you guys view starving? Do you see it as a way t control yourself? A way to make yourself stronger?
I see it like that in a way, but I also like to view it not as restriction, but as a way of freeing myself from the excessive feeling of the need to eat and as a way to be more grateful for the small amount of food that I plan to allow myself. Is my mindset unusual or do you guys feel the same way? I find it much more comforting to view it as a form of liberation rather than self restraint.
Also, I'd like to thank miss alisha and Bones for being my most faithful followers. :) You guys are great! I hope you are well, beauties.
-S.
P.S. I'm sorry I've been so bad at corresponding with everyone these last few months. I used to be so close to so many of you, and now, to be honest...I feel a little forgotten which is totally my fault for not keeping in touch. So many of you who I started out my blogging experience with have loads of followers now and I'm so happy for you.:)
No thanks needed, Sarah, you know I love you :)
ReplyDeleteI feel that people exaggerate the human body's need for food, especially in the American culture, and that dependence on food is a sign of weakness, particularly in myself... so I suppose freedom from food is, as you say, a form of liberation. Well said.
I, too, wish I could restrict rather than purge. I prefer to say restrict because "starve" has such negative connotations... it implies that I am depriving my body of something that it needs, rather than depriving it of something that it needlessly craves... maybe the distinction is only significant in my mind, I don't know. But I'm stupid and weak, and I b/p all the time, so I am neither well, nor a beauty, but what else is new. However, I hope you are well, and remember, I think you are beautiful inside and out, no matter what you say.
xx