Thoughts.

Hey, so you guys were right about the food processor...it will come in handy! I am glad I got it. :) I apologize for coming off as a spoiled brat.. Do any of you have a tumblr? If you do I would love it if we could follow each other. My url is findthekeywerebreakingfree.tumblr.com. I don't post many ed related things since people I know follow me, just so you know.

So my mate who lives a few hours away stayed with me for a few days over break and whenever I'm with her I eat so grossly. So now that's she's gone I'm trying to get back into restriction mode.

My intake so far has been:
-light yogurt (100)
-apple (80)
-granola bar (90)
-green tea :)

I'm hoping to not go over 600 today..which probably sounds like an absurdly high amount of calories to many of you, but I'm just getting back in the swing of things.  :)

So how often do you guys exercise? I find that I rarely do and it makes my eating disorder that much worse because I feel like I'm not deserving of food. I really want a gym membership.

I applied at the local Goodwill and I really hope that I get a job! First of all, I love thrift stores. I really enjoy the atmosphere and I am so fascinated by clothing. Second of all, I could really use the money. I live I'm an area where its difficult to get by without a car and since my mom was recently diagnosed as legally blind she can't drive and for some reason she won't help me out with the funds for a vehicle.. so I need to start saving up.

Sorry if I'm boring you with my ramblings but I hope you are well and I hope you all have a happy new years!

Stay strong.

Christmas.

Wow, family, way to get someone with an eating disorder presents having to do with food. My two big gifts were a gift card to a grocery store and a food processor. What the Fuck.

Haha.
Not that I'm not grateful...but couldn't they have gotten me something I asked for? It's like they're trying to torture me.

Sorry for my spoildness.

How is everybody? What did you get?
Happy holidays!

Love,
Sara.

Who Knows Who Cares

I still haven't stopped purging. I'm at full blown bulimia now..ugh. its gross. After a while its hard to get everything up...no wonder all of the bulimics Ive met are overweight. I'm probably consuming more calories from the binged than I would just eating normally without purging.

Winter break started today, which,yes, means more opportunity to b/p but you know what I'm going to use it for? Getting skinny. No more of this b/p cycle! I'm going to eat no more than 800 calories a day and I'm going to get some form of exercise everyday! I want to be beautiful! And I will be! Wish me luck girls!

I hope you guys are greatttt and I'll blog again before Christmas. :)

Liberation.

From here on out no more purging. NONE. Only starving.
Purging is awful, disgusting, vile, wretched and everything bad combined. I feel horrid afterwards physically, my throat is sore and my body is bloated. Yes, I do find slight relief mentally in the fact that the junk I'd just consumed is out of my system but I don't think it's worth the painful process. Honestly, the only reason I'd eaten it in the first place was that I knew I'd be able to throw it up afterwards....so that's like giving myself permission to be out of control and greedy. If I think about it...the whole process is so wasteful. There are people who actually need the food that I'll just be flushing down the toilet...Not to mention the water that is wasted while the shower is running...At least if I'm just not eating in the first place then I'm not wasting resources.. Anyway, this cycle of starving during the day,bingeing then purging when I get home has become a habit that I NEED to rid myself of. There's nothing good to it.

Also, how do you guys view starving? Do you see it as a way t control yourself? A way to make yourself stronger?
I see it like that in a way, but I also like to view it not as restriction, but as a way of freeing myself from the excessive feeling of the need to eat and as a way to be more grateful for the small amount of food that I plan to allow myself. Is my mindset unusual or do you guys feel the same way? I find it much more comforting to view it as a form of liberation rather than self restraint.

Also, I'd like to thank miss alisha and Bones for being my most faithful followers. :) You guys are great! I hope you are well, beauties.

-S.

P.S. I'm sorry I've been so bad at corresponding with everyone these last few months. I used to be so close to so many of you, and now, to be honest...I feel a little forgotten which is totally my fault for not keeping in touch. So many of you who I started out my blogging experience with have loads of followers now and I'm so happy for you.:)

'Tis the Season...

for depression.
At least that seems to be the case with me.

But this year I'm trying to make it happier. :) I decorated the house with dazzling lights and I'm purchasing Sufjan Stevens' Songs for Christmas, which always puts me in a better mood.

This year I don't think I'll limit my food too much around the holidays. I like to allow myself a treat every once in a while just so I don't feel too restricted.. and i have to keep up appearances for the family.

I'm down to 122 pounds. So that's 10 pounds down from what I was a month ago. Too bad its not noticeable on my body yet.
I hope that I'm down to 120 by Monday. :)
I hope you guys are doing well. :)

First of all, thank you guys for even caring. My email is henceforthtrekkingnorth@gmail.com if anyone wants to talk...what are your emails?
I'm fine. I just slept for 13 hours and then was super drowsy all day.
My eating disorder is back. I can feel my mindset changing. The way I view things is changing. I purge pretty much everything I eat throughout the day (which is a small amount anyway) and then I allow myself something like oatmeal at night.
I hope you guys are doing well.

Alone.

I just took 5 sleeping pills. Is that enough to die?

I wish I could never eat again and eventually just disappear.

I have no one. I have nothing.

I should just give up.

Giving in.

That's it. I'm giving in. This eating disorder has become second nature to me and I'm done fighting it.

My boyfriend thinks Ashley Greene is hot. I personally think her nose is atrocious. But she does have a nice body. She weighs like 74839825451920476472829283536 pounds less than me according to the internet. Not really..she weighs 110 and I weigh like 128 (gross, I know) So 110 is my new goal weight. :)