dispassion.

I miss it. I miss being able to turn to my eating disorder to disable my feelings.
Sure, I miss always being cold and wearing giant sweaters. I miss the comfort I would get from a cup of tea or a piece of fruit. I despise this insatiable yearn for food that I have lately. I miss being able to wrap my fingers around my thighs. I miss feeling graceful.
But most prominently I miss having a distraction, a way to calm my nerves. I miss feeling in control of something. I know eating disorders are not glamorous.
I know its not necessarily beautiful when your hair is falling out and your teeth are rotting.
But I miss some aspects of being consumed by my eating disorder.
Is this wrong?

I wish I was as pretty as those other girls.

I'm sick of being on tumblr or other websites and seeing all of these model-thin girls in their underwear. It makes me hate myself so much. I'm sick of being insecure when my boyfriend sees other girls.

I need to work harder. I need to exercise more. I need to eat better.
I need to be the best that he's ever seen. I'm sick of being average.

I need to become more attractive.