Liberation.

From here on out no more purging. NONE. Only starving.
Purging is awful, disgusting, vile, wretched and everything bad combined. I feel horrid afterwards physically, my throat is sore and my body is bloated. Yes, I do find slight relief mentally in the fact that the junk I'd just consumed is out of my system but I don't think it's worth the painful process. Honestly, the only reason I'd eaten it in the first place was that I knew I'd be able to throw it up afterwards....so that's like giving myself permission to be out of control and greedy. If I think about it...the whole process is so wasteful. There are people who actually need the food that I'll just be flushing down the toilet...Not to mention the water that is wasted while the shower is running...At least if I'm just not eating in the first place then I'm not wasting resources.. Anyway, this cycle of starving during the day,bingeing then purging when I get home has become a habit that I NEED to rid myself of. There's nothing good to it.

Also, how do you guys view starving? Do you see it as a way t control yourself? A way to make yourself stronger?
I see it like that in a way, but I also like to view it not as restriction, but as a way of freeing myself from the excessive feeling of the need to eat and as a way to be more grateful for the small amount of food that I plan to allow myself. Is my mindset unusual or do you guys feel the same way? I find it much more comforting to view it as a form of liberation rather than self restraint.

Also, I'd like to thank miss alisha and Bones for being my most faithful followers. :) You guys are great! I hope you are well, beauties.

-S.

P.S. I'm sorry I've been so bad at corresponding with everyone these last few months. I used to be so close to so many of you, and now, to be honest...I feel a little forgotten which is totally my fault for not keeping in touch. So many of you who I started out my blogging experience with have loads of followers now and I'm so happy for you.:)

Fuck!

I'm binging atm....

Fuck!

Later:
I am horrendous. I am disgusting. I am scum.

But worst of all...I am fat.

I'm not eating anything else today. I weigh 127 poiut fucking 2 pounds after that b/p. I can't stand this.

I need to starve.

"The neighbors said she moved away Funny how it rained all day I didn't think much of it then But it's starting to all make sense.."

Today was so gross,just like yesterday! You'd think I'd get smart! (funny movie, by the way)

I HATE the feeling after a binge. I HATE feeling bloated and stuffed and nasty! Yuck!

Thank you campaign for thin for the water advice. :)

You see this should really help me because the guilt and regret doesn't hit me until after I'm bursting at the seams of my belly, I just need to stop and think about what I'm doing, then chug water.

I weighed myself....129.
fuck.

That was with clothes and crap but still. Ew.



Don't worry don't worry...This isn't another self-loathing post. :)
On a brighter note, I'm devising a plan. I figure that most of my binge foods are dairy and meat and other grossies, so I'm descending gradually into veganism.

I haven't done thorough research, but it seems like a good idea. I don't need those nasty toxins in my body, and those animals don't need to be treated so cruelly.  (Did I mention I love animals?) I've never really liked red meat or cheese anyway, my weakness might be the yogurt and milk. But it's all good.

So tomorrow will be a trial day. :)

Any info or tips on being a vegan? Opinions?

Feast with your eyes, lovelies:

DIS-GUST-ING!

Today was perfect until about dinner time...

I was dissecting a turkey and provolone sandwich, so I felt really gross even just eating a little. So, of course, I purged it. My boyfriend, being his loving self( me being stupid and ungrateful) got mad at me. As pervasive as I am, I let that stupid half-a-sandwich or whatever ruin my whole freaking night!

After this little episode, we went to the grocery store and then when I was waiting for the cab home I ate one whole fucking roll-thing calorie/sugar infested, and then like 4 handfuls of fecking gummy bears (I happened to by a HUGE bag in my depression).

As if all of this isn't awful enough, my boyfriend left me with the rightful words, "Don't do anything you wouldn't want me to do.." So, I didn't. (Well except for writing this, I guess, but I see it as self-help not self-destruction.)
At home I ate like 3 quarters of a subway sandwich, and lots of chocolate. I can't purge. My boyfriend is going t start if I keep going. I love him too much. He can also tell when I'm lying by my"lying face." haha

I did take some laxatives, but I don't know if they will cure me. :/

I feel horrible.

This morning I weighed in at 122. :)

Now I'm 126. :(

Ew. Nasty.

I'm sorry for the self-disgustion.

I hope you guys are staying stronger than I am!

Can you tell me how you guys fight off binges and/or stop in the middle of them?