"When flowers gaze at you, they're not the only ones who cry when they see you."

Oh, have mercy.....

I am a sinner. My love would not approve of me undeleting this blog, but I sincerely wish to make a compromise with him...I would rather keep quiet than to hurt him.

But everything is chaotic and I need to express myself through this writing. I hope he understands.

This morning, upon waking, I turned my head and laid my eyes upon the most gorgeous creature ever.
The Angel breathed softly in sweet slumber as I made my morning routine.His eyes opened and his lips parted in smile as I crawled under the covers with him. I pray that we can wake up with each other from now on. I pray that he becomes stranded at my house more often.

I love you, Q.
I'm not letting the world in, but instead letting myself out, under limitations.
I hope that you do not see this as a means by which I am keeping you out though..You are free to read this. I won't hide it from you. I will even set it as private.
I pray for your patience and understanding.



With sincerity,
S.

200!

It's Day1 of 2468 and I am pretty dang excited!

Thanks for the reassuring comments about my arm. haha You guys are too nice.
:)

My plan for today is probably just to have an orange (70) and a diet soda for lunch, and maybe an apple (130) for dinner. Otherwise, if I have to eat a "real" dinner, I'll just eat tiny amounts.

Water, water, water is my savior!

Stay strong, ladies..


Love,
Sara

2468- New Beginnings!

I just weighed in at 130.2. Yuck! I gained. :(

I've decided to start the 2-4-6-8 diet tomorrow, Monday, November 8 2010. :)
Wish me luck. I'll be going until the following Monday, and maybe longer if I haven't reached 125 by then.
Also, I will exercise for at least 30 minutes everyday while I'm on the diet, and take these Green Tea Diet pills that I bought.


:)

"I take a breath and pull the air in 'til there's nothing left.. I'm feeling green like teenage lovers between the sheets"

You know that whole thing about not blogging anymore?
Well, I've just got too much to say, and writing in a journal just doesn't seem as convenient. hah

I'm making a list of foods that I can never eat again and erasing them from my intake one by one. I'll post it on the sidebar.

I don't want to lose this escape- my eating "habits" I mean. I feel as if they're the only thing that is truly mine. I would say that about my Love but I can't seem to stop him from leaving cuts in his delicate flesh. And guess what! He's already underweight (like super skinny; his BMI is 16) to begin with,but now he's been losing weight and watching his intake too! Not only do I want him to stop this insanity and eat healthily and be well, but somehow I feel possessive about this eating disorder. I feel like it's mine and I don't want him to take it from me. I know that's horrible, but that's how I feel. :/

God, I love him. Whenever I mention how fat, or ugly, or disgusting I am he denies it full-heartedly. Could he really, truly believe that I am beautiful? I'm not even thin, though!!

I want to try a new diet. I need some structure and planning, instead of just waking up and deciding as I go.

Look where that got me:

Do you see my arm???? Ew!! It should be a thigh..hah




My Love looks hot in an old-man-sort-of-way. hahaha

Oh and, Quanah, if you read this, I love you. :)



P.S

My intake:
-Special K cereal w/ 2% milk (200)
-Banana (100)
-Yogurt (100)
-Orange (70)

Total: 470

Also,
Dear helesaurus,

Yeah, I guess I do have a lot to sort out, but I'll manage. :)
Thanks for your concern. :)

I enjoy the fashion employed in this video...

"Hey, open wide, here comes original sin.."

I don't know what to say. My bf found my blog and now he's hurt because he thinks that I'd rather talk to the rest of the world than him. I love him too much to keep blogging regularly for now. I'll still check in every once in a while, but I'll focus more on writing in my journal and communicating with my love. I still want to get thin soooooo badly. :/




Love, Sara..

600

Today's intake:
Breakfast:
-yogurt (100)

Lunch:
-Salad (30)
-Orange (70)

Dinner:
-Blueberries (100)
-Special K cereal (170)
-banana(100)
Drink:
-Crystal Light (30)

Love grows a fear Suites your taste of bitter ends But this stake that holds you in Leaves no place to begin

Today, I skipped breakfast and lunch, but had a hamburger and juice (Yuck, I know) for dinner since I couldn't really avoid it because I was at my boyfriend's house. Also, when I got home I had a lollipop. I'm not exactly sure what my caloric intake was, but I really hope it was below 1,200 (my new maximum limit).

When everything is messy, this is my safe place.

Happy Halloween

Well...things are moving. The days slip in and out. It is Halloween- did you guys eat any candy?

I sure did. I've eaten way too fucking much these past few days. Hell, I've eaten way too fucking much these past few years. I'm disgusting.




But I'll make up for it soon. How about tomorrow? :)

Stay strong and beautiful!

I'm such a failure. Nothing is going as planned, and I'm fat. Yuck.


:(

"You moved like honey in my dream last night..Yeah, some old fires were burning..You came near to me and you endeared to me..But you couldn't quite discern me."

Last night didn't go as planned. I ate way too much and I didn't even lose anything, so I broke the rules big time.
I've already eaten too much this morning, so I think I'm going to try to eat like "normal" for once, since I might be hanging out with this girl who doesn't know me very well. Also, my bf heard me throwing up in the bathroom, so that made him upset. :(

It's our 8 month anniversary today. I baked him cookies. :)
I'm a bad girlfriend.

I think the real reason I'm going to try and eat normal today is because he said if I don't stop, he's going to start.
And that scares me.  :/

"There's just no mercy in your eyes.. There ain't no time to set things right.. And I'm afraid I've lost the fight.."

I weighed in at 124.6 this morning so for breakfast and lunch I'm allowing myself to have two 50-calorie apples. :)

Chew and Spit.

 I was planning on fasting today, but I weighed in at 126.2, so I think I will reward myself with a 100 calorie yogurt. I think that's how it'll go during this fast. I can only eat when I've reached one of my goals, and it has to be under 100 calories. I can go back to normal restricting after I've fainted. :)

"We all have to find our own ways to say good-bye." — Sherman Alexie

I'm sorry for my self-pity posts. :/

Q (my bf) almost killed himself last night. I saw the cuts today. 36 of them run down his right leg. He carved the word "FOREVER" on his left thigh. That's a weird thing we do. Scratch words into our bodies. My right hip says "STARVE" and my left wrist says "TRASH." He said that he passed out. He thought he was dying.

This terrifies me, it fills me with fear. I need to empty myself of that fear.
Come morning, I'm going to fast until I faint. Until I think I'm dying.

Well, I suppose I should get back to my studies.

"And I'm afraid I've lost the fight. I'm just a painful reminder, Another day you leave behind.."

Helpless is what I am. Helpless, hopeless, worthless.

I had a dream the other night. In it, there was a girl. She was naked and walking around a room picking clothes up from the floor. Her hair,shiny, was pulled back in a messy updo. She was beautiful, in an eerie way, with sharp bones jutting out from her skin, and a fragile look about her. That girl was me.

Obviously not me at the moment though. Right now pads of grotesque fat cover my stomach, my thighs, my arms. I weighed in 128.4 today. Yuck.

I know it shouldn't be thinking like this. I know that I'm selfish and cruel to the people around me. I know my self-degradation is unfair to the ones who love me.

But I'm helpless, remember?

And I think they're even starting to realize it.

Home.

I just got back from a 4 day long backpacking trip with school. My school is a charter school, so we have these outdoor trips all the time.

It went well, I suppose. :) The food consisted of oatmeal, tortillas, summer sausage, cheese, PB and J, ramen noodles, instant potatoes, and granola bars. :/ I couldn't starve or purge and I could barely even poop. haha. My bf and I got in a couple of spats, but those were mainly due to my jealousy and insecurity. Apparently,I'm not that easy to talk to. :( Also,I'm sort of an extrovert, I feel like I can't really connect with people, unless I'm really close to them, unlike my bf who can make everyone and anyone laugh. Apparently, when I do talk topeople, I'm being "trashy" or childish." I just want to be the girl that everyone loves...and that doesn't seem to be working. Once I'm thinner though,I won't need to be jealous and insecure. It'll be perfect. Right?

I'm pretty sore because we hiked like 10 miles a day, except today we only did 5. I'm excited to be able to eat "normally" and sleep warmly and fast and purge and restrict, but I love the serene feeling of being deep in the woods, in thought, in depth with myself and that world. I miss it. I miss the sounds and the smells and the sights. And it'snot like I live in a big metropolis city or anything, but it's not even close to being a part of nature. I would never wake up to that squirrel outside of my room or see that porcupine climbing the tree in my front lawn.

Well, I'm going to take my first shower in days. :)
Hopefully, I can just relax.

I'm breaking my fast a little early. I suppose I am weak, but I will be fasting  soon. :)

"She wore that dress like it was a Saturday. Pretty as a summer rose, picked in the morning.."

It's Day 2 of fast, and I feel great!
I packed a lunch so my mother doesn't get suspicious, but I will just give it away.
I'm going to a cross-country meet today although I won't be racing,I'll still burn some calories warming up with the team and such.

I'll blog more soon! :)

It's getting tricky, but I'm still fasting unfailingly. :)
I like how easy it is for me to just not eat.
I'm cleansing myself.

"Don't you tell me to deny it. I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins..:"

I'm not eating today or tomorrow. :)

I need to redeem myself. Yesterday was gross, except for when I went running. I think I'm going to get back into that.

Q cut himself again. He didn't want to show me. You know how great of a girlfriend that shows I am? He should be able to talk to me about anything..but then again, here I am, blogging my eating habits..

I'm suffering for my sins.