Relapse.

Hello lovelies,

I hope you don't mind but this post will be just me rambling senselessly..
I'm relapsing and it feels great. I haven't lost a lot of weight yet...but I will.
At the beginning of the school year, I had a sports physical and the doctor didn't seem to believe that I had previously had an eating disorder because my BMI is like 23... I've gained A LOT of weight...He was, however, very nice about the scars on my wrist..he said gently "You don't do this anymore do you?" And I said "No, I don't" and he said "Let's keep it that way, kiddo" and it made me feel like someone cared. Anyway, I really hope to go back to him once I'm skinny again and show him how much weight I've lost.

I'm so ridiculously sick of school. No one likes me. Somehow, I think losing weight will change this...

I'm becoming so tired of my so called friend and her bullshit. She's the most two-faced, rude, stuck up person..Whenever I even beginning to mention a mental problem to her she says "Okay _______ (insert name of someone she hates)" Oh well..once she gets the hint that I don't appreciate the way she treats me then she'll realize that she's pushed away most of her friends. Of course, there is an 80% chance that she'll view the situation as her being better than everyone else but whatevs.

I'm wondering if I should start my diet over break and come back skinnier or if I should wait until the New Year...I think it would be better to start it over break and then come back....let's see...10 pounds lighter...hm...10 pounds in 10 days sounds tough..but I bet I can do it.

I'll probably have to purge Christmas dinner but I did last year and the year before anyway...haha

Alright. My weight right now is (barf) 145.4

It WILL be 135.4 by the time school is back in session in 10 days. I CAN do this. I've done it before.

Here I go.

Under Cover of Darkness.

I feel disgusted....yet, oddly satisfied.

Today I purged for the first time in a while. I think this purge serves as a marker for a new beginning..of course one that doesn't include purging..only starving...I'm definitely relapsing...but this time it feels different...I feel more mature..if that makes any sense..It feels rather exhilarating, in a twisted manner.. I've missed being empty and having my senses awakened and feeling my bones and feeling...invincible.

I never truly recovered. I just went to therapy and then dropped out because I was too ashamed and it became too much of a hassle. This summer I got blackout drunk and my idiotic mother called the cops and they took me to the hospital where apparently I told them all of my suicidal thoughts. of course, the next morning I didn't remember any of it, but still had to go in to the place where I used to attend therapy and get an eval. My idiotic mother, again, for some reason won't set up a therapy appointment for me no matter how many times I've reminded her. Every time she thinks of another excuse and it erupts into a big argument.

I just want to be happy...

The other night, I was planning my suicide for January 2nd, my father's death day. I'm not sure if it will work out, and I don't even know how or if I'm going to go through with the act. I know this is silly, but I looked up ways to do it and the first website (http://www.cracked.com/article_15658_the-ten-minute-suicide-guide.html) was actually mindchanging..especially the part about the 50% rule which states that since the average person lives to be about 75, if you're under 38 then odds are you haven't, for instance, heard the funniest joke you'll ever hear.

It gave me a little more willpower to carry on. :)

I hope whoever's reading this is happy and healthy and has a mother who gives a fuck.